


Well that escalated quickly...

by LaurelinTengel



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Author doesn't know anything, Bang Chan/Lee Felix - Freeform, Canon Compliant, Domestic, Fluff and Angst, Lee Felix (Stray Kids) is a Sweetheart, Lee Felix is also a mess, M/M, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Panic Attacks, Pining, Self-Doubt, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-13
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:54:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 34,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25883161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaurelinTengel/pseuds/LaurelinTengel
Summary: Felix is anxious, he does not know how to deal with it well. Bang Chan is as observant as he has ever been but he doesn't know how to help Felix. How can he make him happy if he doesn't understand what's wrong to begin with?Also Chan should deal with that twisting feeling at the pit of his stomach that appears when ever he is too close to Felix recently. But you know who has time for that, its better to just wait and see if the problem disappears on its own like problems so often do.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix, Lee Felix/Seo Changbin
Comments: 71
Kudos: 125





	1. Someone I could understand

**Author's Note:**

> I don't have any friends who are Stay's, which sad. And therefor there is no beta, we die like men.  
> English is my third language so please be kind if you can.  
> All the love and take care of yourselves!

The practice was not going great. Felix kept messing up. Every time there was a pause to explain or show something, he spaced out and when his name was called he looked at them like he didn't hear a thing and was about to fall asleep where he stood. 

He got 2 hours of sleep last night. He couldn't get out of his head and kept playing LoL with his headphones on and in another world. Not dealing with his issues or anxiety but running from it well and good. Distracting himself til he forgot why he felt that way to begin with. 

He knew it wouldn't work forever and doing so was not entirely healthy but he didn't have any other outlet, not right now and he didn't have the time with all that was on the schedule to do much else put eat, sleep, play, when he was able to and the rest was filled with obligations.

But he definitely didn't want to complain to anyone because that sounded just ungrateful in his head, he was doing what he so very much wanted to be doing, he couldn't possibly want for things to be easier or different now. He felt whiny and childish every time he thought about it. How he isn't capable of handling everything as well as everyone else was, they didn't look like they where losing sleep. 

‘’’

They were going to do one more run through and then call it a day. Everyone had their own stuff they needed to do and things to work on. As they got into position Chan threw a concerned look at Felix, lifting his eyebrow in question. Felix just shook his head. Everyone had off days it wasn't a big deal but they all gotten better at handling each other when they did. 

At least that is what Chan thought but lately Felix been off more then usual for him. Chan tried to do his best to keep track of everyone's moods and well being. He took their mental health seriously, anyone who doesn't take care of themselves and each other in this business can’t really last very long. There is so much pressure and stress and outside forces pushing in on you - on all of them. 

He knew how very much he had been affected by all of that at times. So he always kept his eyes on any sign of that in the other members. They all knew he cared, at least that is what he hoped. He made sure to tell them that on many occasions, that they all can put their trust in him and turn to him. 

He thought Felix was finally getting over the block he had of thinking he is a burden when he starts in on his deep thoughts and worries with anyone.

Chan was sure that Felix had been told too many times turning his life to just shut up or stop being so dramatic or not everyone wants to hear about your weird stuff, your overthinking just let it go and so on - endlessly, dismissively. 

‘’’

As soon as they were done everyone went for their water bottles and towels and started packing up slowly. Chatting on what to eat for dinner and what everyone really wants to have right now. Hyunjin kept speaking over Han who was passionately describing how very much they should get Jokbal. Hyunjin just yelled ‘what about fried chicken’ over and over. 

In the shuffle of getting going Seungmin turned to see that Felix was still sitting on the ground with his towel in hand and a open water bottle in the other pne, not moving. 

Seungmin crouched in front of Felix who looked at him like he just noticed he was there and asked: “What?”

Seungmin smiled a little smile and said: “We’re going. Where is your bag I’ll get it for you?” he said while looking around and seeing the bag under the bench and retrieving it and putting it on his own shoulder. Seungmin reached out his hand to his roommate to help him up while saying: “Do you like to get fried chicken or Jokbal? We have two legions with different opinions.”

Felix sighed and smiled a little while grabbing Seungmin’s hand and getting up and stuffing the towel into his bag and trying to get it off of his roommates shoulder. Which made Seungmin turn in a circle out of Felix'es reach, he laughed and started running towards the door. 

Everyone had already left only Chan was standing just outside the door looking around like he lost his puppy. Seungmin ran right passed him and Felix ran right into Chan who grabbed a hold of his arms to steady him. 

They were standing there for a moment a bit too close and Felix let out a breathy laugh stepping back and saying: “Sorry, Seungmin stole my bag. I got to run after him.” His was about to start running again but Chan reached out and took a hold of his forearm: “I waited for you. I wanted to ask if you ok? Are you feeling well?” he looked down while saying: “Has something been bothering you?”

Felix blinked a few times slowly at Chan and then sighed: “I m just tired, sorry for messing up so much today. I should have gone to bed at a normal time but i couldn't stop playing games. It wont effect my performances again, promise.” Chan hadn't let go of his arm yet and Felix just looked at Chan's hand holding onto him. Chan was a bit disappointed that Felix perceived and expected a scolding rather then concern for his well being and Chan felt like he didn't give an honest answer. 

Chan said in a low voice after noticing Felix just staring at his hand that was holding the others arm: “If something was on your mind you would come to me, wouldn't you?” Felix just hummed while pulling away and putting on a smile: “I got to catch up with Seungmin. See you at dinner ne.” and he turned around and ran off. 

Chan turned to go get his laptop from the studio. He wasn't going to stay late today. He thought about the way Felix looked at him tho, like he didn't really trust him to be kind or was he overthinking now. Had he been to harsh at some point? He thought he was reasonable and productive in all his criticism as of late. 

‘’’

After his shower Felix was tired and just wanted some sort of comfort. He thought about sitting down to game again but he shook his head, he had promised Chan he wouldn't be so flakey and childish anymore. So he made his way to the living room and saw Hyunjin sitting with Changbin on the couch. Minho and Han were in the kitchen getting bowls and chopsticks for everyone. 

He needed some sort of distraction so he sat close to Hyunjin and leaned on his shoulder asking: “Are we watching something while eating?” Hyunjin put his arm around Felix-es back and pulled him close so he could snuggle: “I convinced them to watch Beauty inside because its on Netflix and most of them haven't seen it yet even tho it came out last year.”

Felix saw some episodes with Hyunjin and he liked the idea of being someone else every month for a week you get to be another person and hide away from yourself in a way. At least that is how he thought of it but really it make life much more complicated. Most things somehow do. That took a negative turn in his head. 

He hid his face in Hyunjin’s neck and put a leg over Hyunjin’s. Pretty much glued to his side. Hyunjin didn't seem to mind and kept caressing Felix-es back steadily. 

‘’’

The door of the dorm opened and closed and Chan showed up looking tired. He had just taken his hat off and his hair was sticking up in all directions. He tried to smooth it out with his hand while he observed the living room. Minho and Han were running between the living room and kitchen caring food and utensils while there were three people on the couch. Changbin and Hyunjin were chatting casually which somehow sounded like arguing. And there was Felix sitting practically in Hyunjin’s lap and his face buried in his neck. Chan had no idea why it made him frown but he felt like that Felix, was never the Felix he got.

He felt for a moment like a outsider just looking into these peoples lives and not being a part of it. He almost didn't recognize them. Like he didn't really belong here and should probably leave before he was noticed. And also something was twisting in his stomach, telling him he was a little jealous of the affection Hyunjin was getting from Felix. 

Jeongin walked in with his hair wet and asked loudly: “Is there food?”

Chan shook himself out of his daze and looked at him and Jeongin smiled and patted Chan on the back and ran past him to the couch squeezing himself in next to Changbin, who complained loudly about it. 

Chan started to walk to his room and Minho yelled: “Come eat! Get Seungmin too.” Chan threw his stuff on his bed and walked to the room next to his to see where Seungmin was and he was half asleep on his bed and Chan said: “There is food. Come eat.” 

Chan felt weirdly deflated for some reason and he didn't really want to show it so he put on a pleasant enough expression and was gonna just pretend for now. 

Everyone was already grabbing food and Felix offered him a bowl and chopsticks. Chan took it and just plopped on to the floor to get stuff from the table. 

When everyone was seated Chan somehow ended up leaning on Felix-es legs. Hyunjin pressed play and they tried to watch the drama together. Changbin kept nudging Hyunjin and asking what’s going on and who that was. Hyunjin just kept ignoring him which made Han whisper-yell at Changbin. It was a mess but not a bad one.

Felix put his bowl on the table leaning over Chan and holding onto his shoulder so he wouldn't fall. After he managed that he held onto Chan’s shoulder and gave it a small squeeze before pulling away. 

Chan had the impulse to pull Felix into his lap and keep him there, so he could cuddle him too. So he get that weird twisting feeling to calm the fuck down and all be well again. 

He thought maybe it be best for him to retreat because that just seemed too much. And maybe, whispered a voice in the back of his head, too little at the same time. 

‘’’

Felix had seen the first episode already so he ate and just casually observed the members. He noticed that Chan was a bit stiff when he came back. Maybe he was worried about their progress or maybe he was angry about how Felix had kinda avoided a conversation back at the practice room. 

When Felix put his hand on Chan’s shoulder to lean forward he felt how tense he became. Maybe he was really upset with him. But when Felix petted and squeezed his shoulder he relaxed and turned to him and the look he gave him was kinda weird. Intense and a bit frightening. Felix turned to stare at the TV instead so he wouldn't have to see it anymore but he felt Chan looking at him for a bit before he turned his head and stood up taking empty bowls and food containers with him to the kitchen. 

Felix looked after him feeling odd because what was that. Should they talk. It was probably something Felix did wrong or he missed something and that is why Chan was upset with him. He really didn't like the idea of facing, not Chan’s anger but disappointment. 

He never really got angry at them or yelled in earnest. He was always clear on what he wanted and expected of them so he never expressed his frustrations in that manner. 

He should be more active in solving at least some of his problems, he thought. He should talk to Chan before anything festered and just say he been more anxious lately and he isn't managing it as well as he should. But also what if it isn't even about that? What if…? There were too many what if’s. 

Felix chewed the skin on his bottom lip til he felt that iron taste in his mouth. They should talk either way. He doesn't like it at all, being at odds with Chan just feels wrong. It’s his fault anyway he hasn't been spending any time with him lately, not one-on-one and he hasn't talk to him like they always use to.

He made up his mind and he was going to try his best to clear the air and have a honest conversation.


	2. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been a joy to write the thoughts of my anxious mind into characters I love. Hope you like it.  
> All the love!

‘’’

Chan stared at the sink, the water running. Not moving. He felt weird, this wasn’t like him. He cares about all of them, all of the members and he knows he has a soft spot for Felix since he always looked at him like that little cute kid who didn’t speak the language and tried so hard to catch up with everyone in every way. He wanted to spear the younger from all the hardships he had to face all alone as a trainee. 

Back then he was really tough on him and the more he cherished and loved Felix the tougher he became on him. He wanted him to succeed, he saw all his potential but know... Their gotten to this place where he feels like maybe the younger doesn’t need him anymore. Maybe he even has started to dislike him for the way they got where they are now. 

That was ridiculous. He needs to avoid thinking of the worst scenarios and just do something about it. He turned the water off and dried his hands against his pants. He was gonna try and ask if Felix wants to do something together tomorrow. Even if its just playing games or going to buy snacks together. 

When he walks back into the living room he sees Felix holding on to Changbin for dear life, like a clingy koala. That weird feeling intensified and he just walked through the living room, not talking to anyone and straight into his room. He can just take his laptop and go over some unfinished beats he been pushing aside. 

Just not think about this anymore, dwelling on feelings he can’t do anything about just seemed unhealthy. The voice at the back of his head whispered, avoiding it all seems much healthier indeed. 

‘’’

Felix saw Chan’s retreating form when he lifted his head from Changbin’s shoulder, who was holding him just slightly reluctantly. He thought Changbin has grown way more affectionate towards him over time, after everything they been through he seems to get how much Felix just wants to hold him sometimes. 

Why didn’t Chan come back tho? He just left without a word. It seemed out of character for him. How was he going to start this conversation when Chan didn’t even seem to want to be in the same room as him right now. 

He was more certain then before that Chan was upset with him. Maybe its not only about today's fuck ups? He was not making much progress in general and he was worried about his vocal abilities and its sustainability with the way he was using it now. His vocal couch said his way of getting low and high is not sustainable for the long run, he will damage his voice like that. But the only reason he stands out to begin with is his voice. 

Maybe their leader sees that too, that Felix can’t keep being an asset to them as a group if he can’t even manage to become better at the only thing he really brings to the team. 

Changbin’s hand starts massaging Felix's back instead of just holding it. He whispers: “You tensed up. Does something hurt?” the younger forcibly relaxes his body, breathing in slowly and out after counting to three. He keeps jumping to too many conclusions. He needs to just talk. But its so hard to open his mouth, its like its glued shut every time it truly matters. 

Changbin nudges Felix with his head like a puppy, being cute. The younger gave him a sunshine smile: “I just forgot to stretch properly it be fine in the morning. Do you wanna watch the next episode? Hyunjin seems to have fallen asleep so you don’t have to stay.”

Changbin just pushed Felix's head back onto his shoulder and said: “Its not so bad, we can watch a little more. I’m not sleepy yet anyway.”

That’s why Changbin was his favorite person, he knew when to show he cared, when it was really needed the most without Felix ever telling him. The shadows that shone through the cracks of his bright facade and his even brighter smiles. Sometimes he thought the shell of light will one day break entirely and the only thing left will be the shadows. Flowing out into the world and never taking human shape again. 

He sighed and put his arms around Changbin, holding on tight and trying his best to concentrate on the feeling of his hand squeezing his side in a firm but reassuring way. Be present and feel the warmth of another human, the closeness, the feeling of a heartbeat, he told himself. A shudder ran down Felix's spine and he rubbed his nose at Changbin’s collarbone hearing the other make a noise in his throat that sounded suspiciously like a purr. 

‘’’

It was past 3 am when Chan heard the door to Felix's room open and close. Everyone else must be asleep by now. Time had just flown past and now it kinda stood still. 

Suddenly it seemed so very important to talk to him now, not tomorrow, not when there’s time, just right now. Like something bad would happen if he doesn’t seize the opportunity. He must still be awake if he just went to his room. When will they otherwise get a chance to just have a moment in peace. 

Chan got up and sneaked as best he could to the hall and stood in front of the door to Felix's room. He told himself: take a deep breath and just take a look in and see if he is still awake. He was nervous for some reason. Seemed dumb to be nervous over this but he felt fidgety and slightly sweaty. 

In for a penny, in for a pound. He opened the door quietly and poked his head in. There was the light of a phone coming from Felix's bed, he looked up just as Chan laid eyes on him. They just looked at each other for a while like they both got caught up in the moment unexpectedly. 

‘’’

Chan did a hand gesture for Felix to come with him. And he got out of bed feeling pretty perplexed that Chan showed up in the middle of the night and asked to see him. 

When he got to the door the older closed it behind him and started walking to the living room. Confused the younger followed him. Was it really that urgent that they had to talk now, why was their leader even still up. 

Maybe he wanted to finally tell him off about all his been doing wrong and he didn’t want to do it in front of everyone. He use to just tell him all the things that were not right when they happened and it was hard but constructive, he learned and got better because of it because he always knew Chan wanted him to succeed. What if there was too much tho, to constantly keep telling him, what if their leader was losing his faith in Felix's ability to do this. What if he realized him being here was a mistake to begin with…

Suddenly it was a little hard to breathe and Felix felt his eye start to sting a bit. They had arrived at the couch and the older just sat down facing Felix, waiting for him to take a seat. 

‘’’

Maybe it wasn’t the most brilliant idea to do this in the middle of the night because Felix looked like he was being lead to his execution. His eyes where wide and he was biting his lip and looked almost afraid. 

He thought this was important that’s why he couldn’t help himself but to try to solve this immediately. So here they are and his gonna just try to reassure him and make him comfortable and then they can just talk, get the air all cleared and them on the same page again. 

That’s what he thought til he looked up from where he just sat on the couch and saw that the younger was standing there eyes moist and about to spill over and lip trembling. Looking for all the world like a kicked puppy. And godses, Chan felt like he was the horrible person who kicked it. 

He got up and grabbed a hold of Felix to pull him in but the other stiffened up and flinched away. The older just stood there holding onto his shoulders and being baffled by his reaction. Why would he not want a hug? Why was everything so awkward between them? Chan needed to be a calming presents for the younger who was clearly upset, so he tried not to dwell on it. 

“Come on Lix, sit down and breathe with me.” he said calmly and guided the younger to take a seat. A shuddering breath past through his lips and the tears fell down his cheeks turning them pink. 

He looked forlorn sitting there trying to take a breath through his tears. Chan kept a hand on his shoulder and sat facing him: “Just try to breathe with me, ok? I count one- two- three and take a deep breath and you do the same just try to concentrate on the breathing. Can you do that?” the younger nodded his head slightly and looked at their leader with his teary eyes and runny nose and a look of someone who is trying to concentrate real hard. 

Chan moved his hand to the back of Felix's neck and looked him in the eyes saying: “Take a deep breath in and hold it for one-two-three and breath out one-two-three.” they both took a breath and the younger breathing was shuddering and shaky but he kept up and they sat there just taking those breaths and Chan calmly whispering the same words over and over til he felt Felix was breathing normally again. 

The younger looked exhausted. Chan rubbed Felix's neck with his hand and realized he was leaning in real close when he was helping him breathe. They were so close breathing the same air and suddenly that twisting feeling was all over his stomach and traveled into his chest. He looked at the younger and stared at his freckled beautiful face and his gaze traveled to the bitten lips that glistened. 

Fuck. He moved away, turning to sit upright and stop his train of thought. He was losing his mind here, Felix was like his cute little brother. The problem was he would never look at his brother like that.


	3. If other people do not understand our behavior—so what?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really don't know why but I like writing this so I will do it til I don't. Hope you like it too. Take care!

‘’’

There was just quiet breathing in the room when Felix said with a crack in his voice: “I’m sorry. I…I will do better. I know I can be everything you always believed I could be, if I just work hard enough. ”

The older looked up with a dazed and a bit confused expression. Maybe he needed to make it clearer that he was serious and dedicated. He just blanked on how to convey that convincingly right now. It was hard to think and he felt tired to the bone from the panic attack just a moment ago. It was not helping that he was running on nearly no sleep the night before and a exhausted overthinking mind that just kept on telling him over and over how he keeps messing everything up what ever he does or however hard he tries. 

But he can’t mess this up, Felix chews on his lips again and taste the coppery tang from the torn skin. He flicks his gaze to Chan who has been just staring at him with a deep frown on his face. The expression doesn’t suit him, he is a really content and easy going person to see him like that, it can just mean he really doesn’t believe the words the younger has just spoken. He hasn’t conveyed his sincerity. Well of course what he said was so basic and he said does same words a hundred times as a trainee when he was scold. 

Chan wasn’t a scary person to him but the idea of disappointing him or letting him down in any way seems very scary indeed. So he scooted closer to him taking the leaders hand that was resting on his knee into his own two hands and held it. 

Felix wanted the older to believe him and also continue to trust in him so badly. He often found conveying his true emotions to be easier to do while being physically close and using touch as a sort of punctuation and capitalization of his thoughts. 

He looked at Chan’s hand held in his, there were veins running all over his arm and they looked blue because of his pale skin. It looked nice, his fingers kept stroking over the leaders hand. 

“I just….I really want you to understand…. Do you?” Felix flickered his gaze from Chan’s hand to his face and saw a look of surprise or did he look a bit flustered. He looked back at their joined hands and kept a steady rhyme to his caressing. 

‘’’

He shouldn’t be doing this, thinking like this. Why would he even? What had changed that suddenly he couldn’t hold Felix without his mind going to weird places and his heart beating faster. 

He couldn’t let him know. This would be totally inappropriate, it probably would make the other uncomfortable and he was already pulling away from him in so many ways. He really couldn’t risk making it worse by letting this weird temporary… very much temporary - he kept telling himself - feelings get in the way of helping and supporting his friend. 

The panic attack just now had been very much real and very much a problem. He knew that the younger had a hard time right now but he never seen him have a panic attack before. He seen him cry and he seen him upset. He seen some fidgeting and maybe unhealthy habits. Like the thing with his lip and him scratching himself when nervous. 

Felix's unsteady voice broke the older out of his thoughts. What he said with a bit of a stutter didn’t make much sense to Chan tho, it just left him confused. The younger looked so unsure of himself and the look he gave was that of someone waiting for something to either lift them up from the depths of hell or torture them for all eternity. Either way its seemed like he had way too many expectation in that gaze. 

What was he sorry for…the panic attack? He certainly shouldn't be. And try to be better? At what, mental health? How does one even do that… Or was he talking in general? It sounded just too much like he blamed himself for everything or anything that was going on and that didn’t feel right to Chan. And what does he mean by everything he believed that the younger could be… Like in the industry or as a person or just like them? 

That was a dumb thought, there wasn’t a them other than them as members and as friends. But what if he felt that thing too, what if that was the cause of all of this trouble? Could that be possible or was he just staring at his cute and adorable friend and overthinking stuff. 

Felix was chewing his lips again and looking nervously down and that just wasn’t good. He kept quiet for too long he should tell the other that all was well or something, anything really would do at this point. 

That is when Felix sat closer to Chan so their knees were touching and took his hand from his lap and held it in his two tiny ones. 

Well that was different and the older didn’t know what to make of it. He just looked at their joined hands, he was not moving or probably breathing as Felix spoke again saying something just as or even more confusing then before. The twisting feeling kept bubbling in him and the voice in the back of his head yelled really loudly…see he feels something too…see! 

Isn’t that what he tries to convey, is he trying to say something but is to afraid to do so fully? Is he just not sure of what he is feeling and trying to say that he wants Chan to understand his confusion and doubts….

The soft caressing of his hand makes something in his chest flutter. He really wants to pull him in right now. To hold him and keep him safe in his arms. Just not let go anymore. Damn, he really wants to kiss him. 

‘’’

One moment Felix was looking at their hands and the next he was pressed against Chan’s chest. His face was in the crook of the leaders neck and he felt the arms around him tighten. He smelled like something sweet buried under something musky and really he smelled like a combination of scents that make him Bang Chan. 

It was a soothing smell. Felix relaxed into his arms. And felt how Chan was just gripping him, like he was afraid he fall or disappear. It seemed like a desperate kind of hold. Which didn’t make much sense to the younger. What would he fear? Why would he hold him like he knows he will lose him?

Then he heard words spoken next to his ear: “I think you have nothing to be sorry for and if you like to…Well I think we should spend more time together. Would you like to give that a shot?” he said it calmly only faltering slightly at the middle and Felix tried to lift his head to look at him but Chan was still holding on so strongly that he kinda just snuggled in his arms and got closer. 

He didn’t mind the closeness it was reassuring and maybe it was easier talking to each other while not looking one another in the eyes. And he had just a moment ago thought he convey his thoughts better with touch so he guessed that’s what Chan is doing too. Trying to reassure and assert his willingness to work together so they have a future as a group. 

He really is the best leader because he is willing to do it all to make them better and help them. Even when his so tired and works so hard already. It is really heartwarming to Felix how dedicated and sweet the older truly is. 

His fears and worries didn’t let him enjoy any true closeness with Chan before. He always kept some distance between them because he thought he had to. Thought they respected each other and were bros, and bros did cuddle, not where they came from - not really. 

So with a slight smile on his lips he replied: “That would be wonderful. I promise to not waste your time and I hope you take good care of me!” he knew Chan would always take care of him but he felt like it was one of them moments to say something like that, like they going to work together, just the two of them. 

‘’’

Chan pulled him into his arms, if he didn’t do it right now he felt like he never get to do it again. There was this sense of urgency again, of now or never. And holding him seemed at least safer then to keep staring at his lips because it be to sudden and not at all good to just go for it. 

The feeling of the younger being finally in his arms, pressed so close and fitting perfectly. Oh he wished for so many things in that moment and his arms kept tightening around the other. 

He felt how Felix relaxed in his grip and it gave him some sort of confidence to just go for it and ask the other out. They can do this if they just have a little time and opportunity to just be alone and find solace and understanding in each other and maybe they could get a little close and those dreams of being together won’t be just dreams any more. 

As he hesitantly spoke he didn’t move waiting for a response. What he felt was Felix wiggling a little and pressing his face to Chan’s neck which made him let out a breath. The warmth of the others breath on him stirred something in him. It left him kind of tingly and wanting. 

When he got a response it was in such a sweet quiet tone and formulated in a odd manner maybe but godses he didn’t really care because it was a yes. 

He smiled wide and lay his head on Felix's shoulder. They had a chance at this. He felt so happy he could burst at any second from the joy flowing through his veins. 

He really didn’t want to let go yet even tho it has been a while since he started holding on to the other. It just felt so good. He wished he could take him to his bed and hold him through the night and hold his hand when they awake and keep holding on to just any part of him for the whole day. Silly things like that popped into his head.

But rationally he was thinking what is their schedule and when can they go and just have some alone time - a date. Oh he hasn’t been on a date since they debuted. This was exiting. 

Chan pulled away a little and realized Felix was kinda sitting between his legs and looking so small and incredibly cute. His cheeks were pink and his expression calm and relaxed with a little smile on his lips. 

He was distracted again - sigh - concentrate - he told himself. And asked while looking into the younger’s eyes: “We could go out tomorrow - well today - after schedule. I think you be free around the same time? We could go to the Sikdang place for BBQ?”

He looked at Felix with a hopeful expression and the younger nodded his head slowly: “Mm yes that would be amazing, I really graved some BBQ lately. You just know how to make everything better somehow don’t you?” he said it in a cute snarky tone and he was still sitting close and the moment just seemed almost perfect. If only he could just lean in.

Chan made a small cringe at his own impatiences and stroked down the younger’s arms taking a hold of his hands. It felt so good to be able to do this without the awkwardness between them anymore. 

“Then its a date. We should get some sleep, its horribly late already. Come on.” Chan took Felix's hand in his and intertwined their fingers as he stood from the couch, pulling the other with him and walking him to the door to his room. 

‘’’

They stood there together for a moment holding hands and Felix looked kinda in-awe. It was like this distance he been carefully holding up has somehow disappeared in a moment and they can reach each other. 

The comfort in that idea of them being able to be as close as he was with the other members, it kinda blew his mind. He felt happy. Chan’s words from ages ago echoed suddenly in his mind: I’m not gonna leave you behind. 

He really felt that now, just as he been struggling to find a balance in this crazy life their amazing leader had reached out to him and offered him a helping hand. It made his eyes a little moist thinking what a good friend Chan truly was and how cool he found him. 

He didn’t want to make it awkward and weird again so instead of starting to cry like he kinda was about to, he leaned in and threw his arms around Chan’s neck to give him a goodnight hug. 

Felix whispered:“ Thanks and goodnight.” then turned and got inside his room quickly not to make it too obvious that he was a bit emotional again. 

As soon as he laid down he felt relaxed and fell asleep in the blink of an eye.


	4. Until you forgive, you defend yourself against the possibility of understanding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is really slow and there isn't any smut going on but just mildly naughty thoughts  
> and dumb boy's being dumb.  
> Also my best friend told me about my beta-lessness that I should not just die like any man, I should die like NMJ with blood bursting from every lymph. That is how fully one should embrace beta-free life. ಠ⌣ಠ  
> Hope you enjoy. Take care of yourselves!

‘’’

Chan was getting ready and trying to make his mussed hair obey him, which was not going too well, he gave up and put a hat on and walked out to discover most of them were up and almost ready. Small blessings or maybe he just had a hard time getting up himself.

They had practice together and he had a few meetings that he needed to attend and then a variety show to film, which he kinda forgot about yesterday. But funny thing was that he felt light, like his heart was just lifted and everything seemed so much easier to do. Happiness - he guessed that’s what that feeling was. 

And just then a sleepy looking Felix joined them as Chan was putting his hoodie on. The reason for his happiness he thought fondly and smiled to himself. Which the younger saw and smiled back saying a small: “Good morning.”

As they were putting their shoes on and stepping out the door, Chan leaned over and squeezed Felix-es shoulder asking: “Are you ok? Not too tired? We can get coffee from the cafe downstairs.”

Felix was making a pouty face: “I’m super tired, can’t seem to wake up. Are you gonna buy me coffee?” they were standing outside of their apartment door and everyone else was still inside, the door ajar. 

Chan was standing close to the younger and he reached out and intertwined their fingers looking at Felix's face to see if that was alright. He seemed perfectly content so the older replied: “You can get anything you like. And I can experience super hyper Felix again, it be fun.” he smirked at the other and got a light smack on the arm from Felix. 

He seemed happy tho, much more relaxed somehow. The door moved and the noisiness of the other members reach them and Chan pulled away subtly, not wanting to have to face the others questions on the change in their behavior with each other. Not that he thought they have anything against it but it was sudden and he kinda wanted to keep it to themselves til they had more time to figure stuff out and be sure of where they were headed. 

‘’’

Felix was sipping his ice americano in the car, looking out the window and feeling pretty good for once. The exhaustion was very much still there but the anxiety levels were down. Having the knowledge of being able to turn to Chan and have him on his side just felt like a heavy burden had been lifted of his chest. You know one of them burdens that keeps steadily growing without you noticing til it slowly but surly will crack your chest and drown you in your own blood.

Ok - aside from that thought right there, he was feeling really good. Also their leader seemed way more touchy now then before, maybe it was because of the panic attach and seeing him so vulnerable and hurting that Chan just couldn’t help but reach out. 

Likely it will lessen over time and they just go back to their usual bro-hugs and pats on the back. But that thought makes Felix frown. He doesn’t really want to go back. That closeness is somehow impotent and it feels like giving up something he fought to get. 

But then again it would be selfish for him to expect anything more from the older. After all he already was doing all of this from the kindness of his heart and out of responsibility towards their group.

The car stopped and as he got out he saw Chan standing there waiting, looking at his phone. So he ran up to him and hugged him from behind grinning like a cat that got the cream. Chan startled a little and stumbled forward but he put his hand on Felix-s anyway squeezing them and laughing a little. 

“Welcome one coffee Lix. Do you want a piggyback ride upstairs?” said Chan while he put his phone away and crouched down a little so Felix could get on his back. 

Which he of course did because free ride yay. So that is how they made their way to practice and the others didn’t seem to mind at all how goofy and attached they were today. 

Han and Hyunjin joined their goofing around pretty quickly even tho they made fun of Felix and his low coffee tolerance. 

When they were getting lunch later Chan sat down next to Felix and brushed their hands together and the younger pulled his hand under the table onto his thigh just holding it there for a moment and then getting back to eating. Felix thought he enjoy all the closeness he can get, while he was allowed - how ever selfies that may seem. 

‘’’

Chan looked at his hand just holding onto Felix's thigh. This was normal now and allowed and even encouraged. The younger took his hand, on his own and put it there. As he stared at it, his thoughts kept pulling him in. He wanted to run his hand higher and slide it to Felix's inner thigh and squeeze and touch - feel the bare skin instead of his jeans, make the other moan til he begs him to go further. Oh damn, he was thinking about too much too soon again. 

Chan pulled his hand away and shift's uncomfortably in his seat trying to adjust himself while not being noticed. He just starts eating and willing it away. 

This wasn’t the norm, he wasn’t lusting after any of his members like a creep. Just with having the opportunity to be so close to Felix now and having realized and let himself feel the feelings he had for the younger it was just so hard to keep his thoughts pure about the other boy. 

When they get home they should talk some more. Maybe they can clear up some boundaries so he could be sure the other was comfortable with what they do. There is just a little more to think about when they have the kind of history that they do. There is a slight power imbalance and that should never affect their relationship. 

But the voice in the back of Chan’s head whispered: how about you just push him down and grind hard against him and bite his blush lips and see what he does. 

“Are you not gonna eat that?” asked Felix in a curious tone leaning onto Chan’s shoulder grabbing a piece of his chicken and joyfully munching on it. 

Fuck. “You can have it, I’m not that hungry right now.” well that wasn’t convincing at all. Chan makes a little grimace and takes a sip of his drink to hide it. 

“Are you not feeling well or something? You never pass up food.” Felix reaches for Chan’s forehead to touch it but the older grabs his hand before he can and gently pushes it back. 

“Perfectly fine just a little nervous about the meeting I have. Gonna eat after that’s done for.” that was a little bit of a better lie then before. It had at least a hint of truth in it for they were gonna have to discuss important concept matters and he was kinda nervous. 

Felix just sneaks his hand around him and gives him a side-hug snuggling into his chest. Well this is gonna be hard to do, thinks Chan as he puts his arms around the boy and holds him because how could he possibly not. 

‘’’

They were all pretty tired after shooting and definitely hungry although it was half past eleven in the evening, the laud declaration of lets get burgers, was very much heard and welcome. 

So they arrived home with heaps of food because everyone wanted so many different things and they sat all together around the living room floor eating.

Felix was leaning on Hyunjin while he was devouring his food and kept sneaking in and stealing his fries which the other only mildly protested against. 

Chan sat across them and just smiled because it was somehow easier now that he knew the other was his. Well not in a old-fashion you belong to me way but like they belonged together that was clear to him now. So when everyone was finishing up and chatting in a group he stood and went to Felix who seem to be having a hard time keeping his eyes open.

The older took him by the hand and pulled him along waving a goodnight and saying to the others: “Got to put the baby to bed!” to which they all laughed and continued their banter. 

‘’’

Felix let out a: “Hey, not a baby. So rude.” which kinda got lost in him muttering it while trying to suppress a yawn. He followed their leader down the corridor and to his own room. 

Where the older just found his PJ-s right on top of his pillow and handed them to him saying: “You go put them on and brush your teeth. I’ll make the bed.” that was a bit odd, the older had never done that before but maybe he was gonna pull through on his putting the younger to bed statement. 

Felix was too tired to care and it felt nice to be guided and sometimes told what to do like when you were little and had those routines and it was comforting somehow.

When he got back from the bathroom Chan was sitting on his bed wearing a t-shirt and just his shorts. So with a little bit of confusion Felix went up to the other and kinda looked at him, expecting a goodnight or maybe a hug. 

The leader pulled him into the bed and started covering them both with a blanket. Well that was deeply unexpected. Felix was kind of a bit shocked but also wow’ed, they were going to cuddle. Chan wanted to cuddle him. Maybe their leader really thought he was acting like a child and needed to be taken care of… but it didn’t seem patronizing or in anyway rude. Maybe he thought his mental state was more unstable because he had acted so irrational and weak last night. It was all kinda nice and comfy tho.

He felt the older putting his arms around him and pulling him more firmly to his chest so that Felix was lying half on top of him while Chan was lying on his back, an arm around the younger.

“Is this ok? Are you comfortable?” Felix just nodded against the older and Chan started talking again in a low voice that vibrated through his ears because his head was lying on the leaders chest: 

“I’m sorry we couldn’t go out and spend some alone time together. I really was looking forward to that. But you know we can do what ever together it doesn’t need to be some huge plan or fancy date. I’m good just doing this. How about you?” 

Felix kinda snickered a bit to himself at the idea of a fancy date with Chan, that seemed ridiculous. But yeaa they didn’t need a big plan to talk and work on being better or you know Felix becoming a more stable person and useful member.

“I like this very much. I think I can see myself becoming a better person by just osmosis alone.” he laughed a little and sighed snuggling closer: “And you don’t have to be sorry, we all were busy and you don’t have to go out of your way to take care of me.”

The older tightened his hand on Felix’s back and took the tiny hand that was lying on his chest into his own:

“ I want to take care of you. And I want you to feel happy and content. That’s why I also want to know if something is too much for you or when your not comfortable. Can you please promise me you tell me right away so I can do something about it?”

Felix felt warmth spread to his chest at the sweetness of their leaders words and he didn’t really know what he had done to deserve someone taking care of him that well. He didn’t really know how he could ever repay the other for his kindness. He would really give the world to Chan if he only could. 

Felix squeezed Chan’s hand that was holding his and said: “I promise to try my best. Thank you…I really didn’t know how much I needed this.” the last part was a whisper that kinda disappeared into the chest in-front of his face. 

‘’’

Chan was in a sweet place between heaven and hell where he held the boy he liked in his arms and he was so sweet and trusted him with all his heart and also he seemed so innocent in all his actions.

That was the hell part because the younger coming to bed in his cute pajamas and ruffled hair and sleepy face made something in Chan want to just grab a hold of him and ravish that beautiful pale skin. 

Which again way too much way too soon. He took a deep breath while he felt the younger relaxed and breathing slow and steadily on top of him. He must be falling asleep. 

He nuzzled the younger’s hair and just breathed him in, enjoying the feeling of finally having him so close and all to himself. 

He didn’t mind this kind of purgatory all that much.


	5. And when wind and winter harden All the loveless land, It will whisper of the garden, You will understand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got the kindest comment which made me want to post some more. This is a slow ass story so, lots of overthinking and cuddling. Most of this ch they in bed XD  
> Take care of yourselves and lots of love!

‘’’

Chan woke with the realization that it was still the middle of the night he wasn’t in his own bed and he was spooning someones warm body in his arms. 

Then he remembered that he wanted to talk to Felix before bed and instead of just getting up after the other fell asleep, to his own surprise he had fallen asleep too. Usually he stays up for way longer but something, maybe the soothing feeling of holding the younger in his arms and being at peace made him fall. 

He had a warm kind of dream that leaves one with a feeling of wanting to get back to it and stay there for a bit longer. As he thought of that he snuggled against the boy in his arms rubbing slightly against his butt and realizing he was hard.

Damn. He shouldn’t be doing that, how ever involuntary the boner was, the rubbing or touching isn’t. And the other was clearly asleep and dead to the world. So he carefully pulled away trying to not disturb the other and lied down on his stomach, keeping an arm on the younger. 

He willed himself back to sleep with the thought of having the pleasure of waking up to Felix in his arms. 

‘’’

When Felix woke he was warm, more so then usually were he had to pile blankets and plushies onto his bed to feel cosy in it. 

Chan was lying half on top of him somehow. He wanted to turn around tho to see the other sleeping face. He started to slowly and sneakily turn in the others arms and managed with just a kind of crumble and shift from the older. 

They were facing each other now and Felix stared at their leader. He hadn’t had the chance to do so it a long while and he hadn’t stared at the other this close up well, ever. 

He wondered what really made their leader turn so soft all of a sudden. To be this close and not hide or pretend. They all hide something from the others for sanity sake and not to be too much of a burden on others but that would apply especially so for Chan. It wasn’t like he ever seen the other turn to any of them to share some of his heavier thoughts or worries. 

He kept it light and he had fun with them and he worked hard with them. But sometimes it almost felt like he kept away in some way from them. 

Maybe that was just him thinking too much on something that was just a feeling he got from the other. It wasn’t like he really didn’t rely on them or anything. They were a team and always would be. 

In his deep thoughts Felix didn’t notice that the other pushed closer and was pushing a thigh between his legs. 

Who knew that their leader was a snuggler in his sleep. Felix laugh softly and let him closer until there was really no room whatsoever between them. Pressed close, with his head under Chan’s chin he breathed in and relaxed again. 

‘’’

The next time Chan awoke it was because he was too hot and he had a mop full of hair in his face. He moved his head and realized he was holding the younger very close and his arm was very numb. 

He didn’t want to move away tho, this was too good. He liked this too much. So he blocked the world out and enjoyed the moment by holding on to him. 

They get to have this now. Do this together. If they want to every night. And he really wanted to. This seemed like something he didn’t know how to live without once he experienced it. 

Maybe if he dared they could kiss. Just a little, just something chaste once the other awakes. That would just be perfect. But then again that would not really be the best choice because there is another person in the room with them….And even if their asleep that just seems kinda weird and wrong. 

And they should have like maybe a nice first kiss, somewhere special. Like when they get to go on that amazing date at some point then they can actually do it in a romantic and memorable way. Or was he just being dumb and over thinking something as simple as a kiss. Maybe he just should do it now and then there is no pressure to make it special anymore.

As he looked at the sleeping boy in his arms he thought but it should be special, especially if the person is special to one. He was so glad they didn’t need to be anywhere til evening and he did plan to go to the gym but maybe they could do something together instead. 

The other started stirring in his arms, he pulled away a little to see the younger’s face. Felix blinked and rubbed at his eyes. Chan smiled: “Good morning sunshine!” 

The other boy gave him a blinding smile in return. Damn he was so beautiful, thought Chan and reached out and stroked his freckled covered cheek with his hand, running his thumb over all those pretty spots, fascinated. 

‘’’

Felix smile started fading when the older reached for his face and touched it so gently. He was kinda shocked. The other looked so calm and content. His hand was warm on the younger’s face and he felt himself blushing. It felt so intimate, maybe a little too intimate. 

His heart was beating too fast and he felt like he should get up now and not be here anymore. This feels different then with any of the other members, he thought.

The soft strokes of their leaders thumb made him shiver and close his eyes. 

Maybe he hasn’t realized how touch starved his been lately. He himself kept pulling away from people because all he has been feeling is anxious. Like he doesn’t deserve their love and care because he can’t manage to be who he wants to be. Who he knows he can be if he really tries. 

But this gentle kindness feels a bit like heaven. Like something one would expect from a lover.

Felix opens his eyes suddenly realizing what he thought is very much stupid and he scoots away in guise of a stretch.

He sits up to get out of bed but the older grabs his hand and says: “Wait. Do you wanna go grab breakfast….Well more like lunch?” he laughs a little and continues: “We could go shopping after or to that gaming place you like?” 

Felix feels a bit overwhelmed and he kinda wants to be alone but he nods and says: “Could you give me like 20 minutes, then sure.”

Chan just nods along with a happy expression: “ Yea of course I got to get ready too.” while he says it his hands runs over the other boys in a caress. 

The younger looks down at the hand on his and it suddenly seems odd. It didn’t seem odd yesterday but in the light of morning the attention seems somehow more in contrast with the relationship they been having for years now. 

Is it really ok to take advantage of their leaders kindness to this extent, to make him feel like he needs to treat him like someone damaged and who can’t hold themselves together without this kid-cloves approach?

Should he say his ok now, that he doesn’t have to put all this extra attention and work into him. He be ok with just a few hugs and hand squeezes. He really isn’t this needy. But maybe he is because he hasn’t pushed that hand away yet!?

He gets up in a rush and grabs some clothes to go to the bathroom and hopes dearly no one is in it now. He feels selfish and weak and he doesn’t want anyone looking at him right now.

As he gets to the bathroom he closes the door behind him and sits down on the floor leaning on the door and takes a deep breath.

He needs to stop his thoughts from drowning him. Just breathing just calming himself. Logically he can talk to Chan now, he knows about how bad the anxiety can be so he can tell him that yea its a problem but he doesn’t need to go so much out of his way for him. 

He can explain some more and then their leader won’t feel like he has to be extra careful with him anymore or like his gonna hurt himself if the older doesn’t pay extra attention to him.

He sighs a deep ass sigh and gets in the shower.

‘’’

As the door closes when the younger runs off Chan flops back on the pillow and sighs. Was it too much, did the other run away because he was leaning in….Did he feel uncomfortable with it going in that direction so quickly?

At first when Felix closed his eyes as he was caressing the others face it looked like a perfect moment and Chan was ready to go for it and kiss him, fuck it all. But then the younger just suddenly was out of his grasp and ready to bolt. 

But he agreed to go on a proper date today. Their first date. That made him smile. He take him everywhere the younger absolutely loves to go and then maybe take a walk together. Walks can lead to romantic moments….And maybe naturally to something. You’re clearly overthinking the voice in his head says….Just fucking do it and then you can go on to fucking the boy into next week…..Nope. 

He shakes his head and gets up just as Seungmin opens the door and walks in. They look at each other and Seungmin says: “You never sleep in anyone else’s bed especially not with them in it? What going on? Is something wrong with Lix?” he sounded kinda worried. 

Chan though about telling the truth but it seemed just too soon and the situation too unsure, so he went for a believable lie: “His just been homesick and a little anxious. I’m trying to comfort him more, like be there more. I think I haven’t done the greatest job of that lately.” he looks down selling it well with the puppy dog eyes. 

Seungmin nods along and goes to get his laptop saying: “Yea he has been sleeping less and less and been off for at least a week or two. Its good that your trying but you know its not all on you. We all can take care of each other.” 

That was a very thoughtful response and Chan felt kinda touched. The leader smiled at Seungmin: “Thanks that’s a good point. We be going out with Lix now just to relax a little, you know. So can you tell the others if anyone asks. And see you in the evening.”

With that he went to his own room to get ready for a first date. 

‘’’

When Felix got out of the bathroom he saw their leader standing just a little down the hall, clearly waiting for him. 

“Are you ready to go? I googled brunch spots and there’s this place that has them cloud pancakes. Isn't that amazing! Lets try those.”

The older seemed so cheerful and that calmed Felix a little, he was worried this be more of a burden on the other then a joy. But this reminded him despite what his brain try to keep telling him, they were friend and something close to family.

He smiled a happy smile: “ I absolutely love to, my stomach is trying to eat itself right now so lets hurry.” 

They made their way out the apartment while joking and playing around and when they got into the elevator Chan took is hand and intertwined their fingers just holding it while continuing their banter. 

Felix felt that weird oddness of it again. It felt good to be close but was it ok to rely on their leader to provide so much comfort? Was that fair toward the other, when the younger couldn’t really give him much of anything in return.


	6. Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got distracted...Anyway here is a chapter, it is a thing. I'm tired...and we still be dying like men so please excuse the mistakes.  
> Hope your healthy and take care of yourselves!

‘’’

Chan felt a little bit like he was floating, giggly and happy, feeling like everything was possible. 

They been talking non stop about everything and anything while walking to the cafe and even though he couldn’t really keep holding the younger’s hand he somehow held on to his arm or brushed their hands together because they walked so close. Throwing his arm over the others shoulder when he was being cute. 

That twisting feeling has turned into a fluttery one. Like he can feel his heart going just so soft for the other. He wondered if he always been soft for him and just didn’t allow himself to let it be what it is. 

Dumb waste of time the voice in the back of his head says…you should have grabbed the boy and pull him in and never let them go since he got to Korea. 

Maybe this once he would agree with that annoying voice, he maybe should have done this sooner. It sure feels way too good. 

‘’’

Felix didn’t really remember when the last time was that he was so carefree and happy. It was just easy to joke around and be with Chan, it felt a lot like home. Like a memory that never was. Because he didn’t have him back then. But now he couldn’t really imagine how his life would be without him.

He smiled his biggest smile at the leader and kept looking at him like he hung the moon. When they got to the cafe it was real full but Chan said its worth it so they found a place to sit and started looking at the menu. 

“You should try the chocolate banana nut-mare it is something you would love for sure.” said the older while chuckling a little at the name puns. 

The younger snickered and hide behind his menu looking at their leader being all cute. When he feels this giddy its easy to be extra with his members but being like this with Chan felt like a treat. 

“Do you know how a panda makes pancakes?” asked the younger all exited to tell the older. Chan shook his head: “I don’t. Are you gonna tell me?” The younger leaned too far on the table almost putting his head on it and then told the other all smug: “With a pan...duh.” and burst out laughing real hard like the dork that he is. 

‘’’

Chan was holding his stomach while laughing, it was ridiculous how adorable the younger was when he just felt relaxed and free. Godses he made him feel things. 

He reached out for Felix’s hand on the table and squeezed it keeping his hand on his. Someone came to take their order and and Chan pulled away a little and placed their order for both of them. 

“Would you like going to the shopping district and walk back through the park later?” the younger nodded along and said: “I haven’t been shopping in a month at least, i love to go and look around, maybe i can find a cool new hoodie and i like a fluffy sweater because its getting cooler.” 

When they cloud pancakes got there they made way too many pictures and most of the pictures Chan made were of the younger not of the pancakes. It was just as delicious has he remembered and Felix made that little ‘aw yummy can’t bear how heavenly this is’ face. That was a face he sees all the time, so he started naming them cute expressions of his. 

‘’’

When they got out of the shops and were walking down the road to get to the park Felix was a bit nervous because he bought a little thing for the older and he usually really didn’t want things, so giving it to him seemed somehow hard.

Their leader had sneakily payed for their cafe bill without the younger even being able to fight for the check by excusing himself to the loo and coming back and telling the younger they can go. 

Chan was talking about a YouTube channel he started following that he enjoyed watching way too much, in hours way too late. 

Felix reached into his bag and pulled out a small plastic bag and shoved it in-front of the older’s face. Looking at it and just saying: “I got that for you. Please take it.” 

Chan looked taken aback but took the little bag out of the younger’s hand and looked at it in aw. The older said: “You didn’t have to get me anything, I told you I’m good.” 

Felix looked at him with a little smile: “I don’t doubt your inherent goodness and I wanted to give you something, its a small thing just wear it if you like, if not just give it away. Its ok either way.” 

‘’’

The older took out a black headband and recognized it as the one he was looking at in the shop. He smiled a fond smile and proceeded to pull the younger in for a hug. Which the other boy gladly accepted. 

They stood in the middle of a park hugging and not giving a single fuck about their surroundings. Chan held the other boy so tight and buried his nose in the younger’s neck to just breath him in deep. Godses wasn’t this a perfect moment? A good opportunity to just kiss the other and make this wonderful day they had even more wonderful and memorable? 

Chan pulled away a little and looked at the other while still holding on to him for a moment their noses brushed and the younger giggled lightly. And Chan stared at his lips, so pink and inviting, just waiting to be kissed til their red and swollen. 

As he started to lean in like in a trance he heard his phone ring. Damn it! 

The older disentangled himself from the other to get the phone from his pocked and looked at it and saw that it was their manager. He had to answer that, it was probably about tomorrows schedule. 

He sighed deeply and looked at Felix saying: “Manager-nim, got to take it.” and turned around answering the call. 

‘’’

Felix touched his face, it felt warm. He wondered if it was because their leader had liked his gift so much? The hug was so nice and reassuring, he really could get use to having this always. What a selfish boy he was huh?! He shook his head and tried to not let the rude thoughts in his head ruin a otherwise perfect day. 

They started walking back while Chan was still on the phone and the younger thought it was so amazing and calming for his anxious mind to spend the day with older. Was that how Chan wanted to help him? It was a smart way of getting him to relax, that’s for sure. He would have thought they need to have some stern talks and work harder and maybe get a therapist if nothing else worked. But that won’t really be possible, would it? 

Can they like do that without it being somehow seen as odd or brought to everyone's attention somehow? Well he thought it seems dangerous and he hasn’t gone to one since he was 16 and that was in Sydney, so it was very different somehow. 

Chan touched his hand to get his attention breaking him out of his thoughts that ran a mile a minute. 

The younger looked at their leader while the other said: “Should we head back now? Its getting cold in the evening, isn’t it?”

“Mm yea I guess. It is colder.” he looked at his shoes and kinda felt like the whole idea of needing to get a therapist brought him down from the high of today. 

And just like a mind-reader Chan took the younger’s hand and said: “Come on lets run back! It warm you up like nothing else.” And he took off dragging Felix along with him. Til the other started running properly.

‘’’

By the time they reached their dorm they were both sweaty and out of breath. But Felix was laughing again and that was all that really mattered. The younger’s mood had seemed to suddenly drop when Chan took his call but now he was in high spirits again.

They got inside and discovered almost everyone was out except for Minho and Han who seem to be very busy looking at each others phones on the couch. 

Chan greeted them in passing and led Felix with his shopping bags toward his room so he could put his stuff away. 

As the younger was putting his bags on his bed to sort through his new stuff the older said: “Today was perfect and i wanted to thank you for it. I really liked the way you make me smile, the way you lift my spirit like its no big deal at all. I feel like I’m free with you, more myself somehow.”

Felix was staring at him with a surprised look making a cute face again. And all of a sudden it couldn’t wait any longer, now was just right. He stepped closer to the other boy looking him down and laying his hand on the others waist pulling him in. 

Chan leaned in, gently placing his other hand on the younger’s neck, until he connected their lips in a sweet kiss. Chan sighed into the kiss,  
licking along the other boy’s bottom lip. It felt good, touching Felix was like drowning in sweetness, he got overwhelmed by how much he really wanted this. 

The older suddenly bit the other boy’s lip and the younger made a noise. Chan pulled away slightly still in a daze, staring at the others lips, which were still wet from kissing, and he saw that Felix’s bottom  
lip was slightly swollen because of the nibbling he done on it. 

"Okay…uh… guess I went a little overboard with the thank you,  
didn't I" he laughed softly while still holding on to the other.

“For future references you don’t have to buy me anything or pay for me or do anything, if you want to thank me, how about just this instead. I love this the best.” he moved a bit more away because he doubted he could stop kissing the other if he kept this close and he didn’t want things to be too rushed. 

He had manage to keep the kiss vaguely chaste not dive in like the voice in the back of his head was telling him to, and devour that sweet mouth til the other be gasping for breath. 

He needed to get out of the room before he just stay with the younger cuddling and doing nothing all evening, he would never get anything done like this. So he gave the other boy a quick forehead kiss and said: “I have do get some things done but you relax and I really hope you rest well.” he pulled away the younger was holding a hand to his face, in-front of his mouth and kinda looking a bit heated, oh he looked tempting like that, so flustered. 

Chan turned around and walked out without looking back. The younger really didn't know what kind of effect he had on him. He is innocent and cute, yet the older has so many lewd thoughts right now, it was right to leave, he most definitely did the right thing. 

‘’’

Felix stood in his now empty room holding his hand over his mouth, not processing. One moment their leader was saying the sweetest and absolutely exaggerated things about him and then he was….

Why would he tho? Why…he said that it was a thank you. Didn’t he?! What does that mean? This was not what they do. He never done anything like that with the other. He didn’t really do anything now either but stand there like a frozen statue while the older kissed him.

He kissed him. What was going on? Felix was biting his lip hard once more, he was gnawing on it like he couldn’t stop if he tried. He felt that heavy feeling in his stomach grow until his chest was heavy and breathing felt like the hardest thing to accomplish. 

He was holding onto his own chest trying to make himself take a breath, to somehow get air in…To make himself a human again but he couldn’t and tears were forming in the corners of his eyes and the door opened suddenly and Han walked in stopping in the middle of his sentence when he saw the other bent over looking pale and panicked.

Han said: “Whats wrong?” and Felix burst into tears while taking the first breath in about a minute. 

‘’’


	7. No one could possibly understand my purest feelings but I couldn't care less

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hei there, so this chapter is pretty much mostly a panic attach, be warned! Also the things characters do to aid aren't really accurate or should one go by that. In case you need to help someone with a panic attack or have one yourself some reasonable tips on that: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/how-to-help-someone-who-is-having-a-panic-attack
> 
> Stay healthy and sending love!

‘’’

Jisung was crouching in-front of Felix who was crying and struggling to breathe. It seemed like every breath he took was a wheezing or gasping mess. 

He was having a panic attack that was for sure. He hadn’t seen the other in such a mess since he was eliminated. He seen this in shows and stuff that people count or try to shock the other out of it when they having a panic attack.

Jisung looked around and saw the glass of water he had put down on the table when he saw what was going on and he took it and threw it into Lix’s face. The other looked like a fish, mouth open and blinking in surprise. But he wasn’t wheezing anymore so Jisung grabbed a shirt off of the other boys bed and started to dry Felix’s face with it. 

Well he was trying to, the other kept pulling it down and just looking at Jisung with a really put upon expression that morphed into confusion and sadness real quick. 

“Can you breath? Do you need anything? What am I supposed to do?” said Jisung with a slightly panicked voice. Felix looked up and into his eyes and started to cry again. He reached out and buried his head in Jisung’s chest. Pressing in hard and whimpering. 

The other just held him looking baffled. He put his arms around the other and held him properly. Just sitting there and making quiet soothing sounds. He felt pretty panicked himself by seeing the other in so much distress. 

‘’’

Felix felt like a fool. Everything seemed to be looking up and going well and he was finally feeling like himself again. He started to be hopeful and want to be and do more to stay that way. And now it felt like he was too dumb for this world and he should crawl under a rock and die. 

He felt like he was dying right now. His heart was beating out of his chest and his stomach hurt in a horrible heavy way. And he couldn’t breath, he kept getting stuck. Like every breath got stuck in his closing throat. 

Han was there and he held him through this. That was so kind of him, even tho he was probably worried and bothered by Felix acting like a mess and ruining his day. He should try harder to get himself together to get away from Han and reassure him that its all fine. 

But it wasn’t fine. He can’t imagine how he can fix this. His friend who he admires and loves like his family has somehow feeling for him, very different feelings then he has about their leader. 

Chan said he can thank him with this….He gave him affection and care and love and now Felix is what…..Supposed to turn around and tell him he doesn’t want it…..That he doesn’t need him like that….Hurt him…tell him he doesn’t care….But he cares….He just didn’t think that this was even remotely what their relationship ever would be. 

He loves Chan. He does. He cries harder like his heart is broken and he can’t hold the shattered pieces because they make him bleed. 

Han pulls away a little and is saying something to him and he can’t seem to make out what it is. Its so hard to concentrate beyond the pain in his heart. 

‘’’

Lix didn’t get better while Jisung was holding him and trying his best to comfort him. His crying got into this kinda erratic mess where he sounded like he was choking on his tears. 

“Yongbokie please try to breath. Can you get up? We should go to the bathroom and wash your face. Maybe that would help.”

Jisung moved further away to start to get up and Lix just kinda folded in on himself and didn’t move. So he just tried to pick him up but couldn’t. Damn he was so in over his head, he needed help with that. Maybe he should go get Chan. He would know what to do for sure. 

Just then the door opened and Minho peeked in looking presumably for him because Jisung had said he would go ask Lix real quick if he wanted to join them and that was - he doesn’t really know how long ago. 

Jisung looked at the older with relief and a begging expression: “Please help!? I have no idea what to do with him. He has some sort of panic attack I think.” Minho looked shocked for a second and then stepped in closed the door and walked to Jisung and Felix kneeling down and looking at Felix while squeezing Jisung’s hand reassuringly. 

“Can you hear me Yongbokie?” he said in a calm but sure voice and Lix nodded a bit so it was clear he could still hear him. Jisung said: “I thought some cold water would do him good but I couldn’t lift him to get to the bathroom. I don’t know what else to do.” he looked to Minho like the older would just somehow magically fix this and all would be well. 

Minho just nodded and got Lix up and told jisung: “You hold his other side we should try to get him there and see if it helps.” And he sounded calm like this was a normal thing they did and for some reason that calmed Jisung too.

He did as he was told and together they made it to the door and across the hall and into the bathroom. 

Minho sat Lix down on the covered toilet seat and went to the sink to get the water running. He seemed to be holding his hand under it waiting for the temperature to change and Jisung was holding Lix keeping him upright. 

Then they got Lix up again and to the sink where Minho proceeded to wash is face while getting water all over him and then cleaning his face with a cold towel. Lix seemed to breath steadier and despite looking exhausted seem to be more present. 

‘’’

Felix was sitting on the toilet and looking at Han and Minho talking to each other not really paying attention to what they were saying. He could breath better and he felt like he was just numb now. 

What will he tell them? He should explain. But what then…what will he do about their leader who just kissed him not even an hour ago. He had been so sure of their relationship, so confident in this one thing. And Chan even said that he had made him happy. Was the only way to make the other happy to be in that type of relationship with him?!

He should just talk to the other, it was fine when they talked about him having troubles….Or was that somehow also misconstrued? Did they actually talk about anything, he can’t really remember. It felt like they did. If he explained how he feels, that he cares, that he wants to be close…..They leader surely would understand. 

But then again isn’t it totally unfair to want parts of a relationship but not others, like it be so unfair to say “I don’t want the kissing and touching but I want the intimacy of cuddling and hugging and holding hands” wasn’t that too much too ask!? 

Minho placed a cup with water into the younger’s hands and helped him lift it. He drank it slowly. Going on autopilot nodding along with what he was being told without hearing a thing of what was actually said. 

What if Chan will turn away from him, what if all of their interactions will be awkward and unpleasant and they can’t even escape it because they see each other every day…they live together, work together, share a goal and this all could be put at risk if he makes this situation into something horrible by being a selfish prick who doesn’t know how to give back and have a balanced relationship….

Did that mean he has to just go with it…maybe…He does like guys too so that’s not really the problem. He has been kissed and made out and had even a few short relationships before. He could probably do it. He can probably just do it. 

Han appeared right in-front of his face: “Yongbokie, can you please explain a little bit about what just happened? Does that happen often?” Felix try to make him self into a human again.

“It happens rarely but it has happened before. I’m so sorry you had to deal with it. I didn’t mean to cause trouble. I’m really sorry guys. It won’t happen again, i promise.” 

“You don’t have to apologizes for something you can’t control. And does anyone know about this? Like should we talk about this to the management or at least Chan?” says Minho standing close to Han and his hand is firmly on the others lower back. 

Felix says calmly: “Chan already knows and we are dealing with it and if it won’t work in the long run we will see about getting me a therapist.” he lies like they actually agreed or made a plan which they sure haven’t. But his insides were squeezing him and he had to convinced them to leave this be. “We didn’t want to worry anyone and it hadn’t been as bad as it was today. Its just a stress reaction.” 

Minho’s face looked blank and Han looked concerned: “If Chan knows then I’ll trust he handle this with care. But do you need anything know? Do you want to talk about it or should I go get Chan?” Minho says, sounding way more in control of things then Felix was. 

“No, please don’t disturb Chan right now. I will talk to him myself tomorrow. Right now I think I just need rest. Can we please keep this between us? I really don’t want to make a fuss and have the others worry when everyone has plenty on their plates.”

Han looked to Minho with a questioning look and said: “We won’t go talking to others about you personal issues. We wouldn’t. But are you sure we can’t do something right now? Have you eaten?”

Felix gave them a small smile and stood, steadier then he thought he be able to. And pulled Han in for a short hug: “Thank you for taking care of me and I really am ok now, just tired. Chan bought me food just a few hours ago so I’m not hungry.” 

Han hugged him back and when Felix pulled away he managed to smile quite genuinely at them: “Really guys, thanks.”

And he walked out the bathroom into his own room, closed the door and fell on his bed. He was so fucked. And not in a good way. 

‘’’

Chan looked at the clock on his laptop an saw it was 3:40 and he should probably stop now. He felt good about tonight, he felt productive. More so then usually. Maybe because his mood was so good today. 

He stretched and smothered a yawn. He wondered if Felix was sleeping alright? Did he go to bed early? He wondered if he could possibly join the other? 

He closed his laptop and went to take a shower. The warmth made him long for the younger even more so he made up his mind to go check on the other before going to bed. 

He snuck to the others room and opened the door real quietly and saw the other was lying on his stomach holding his plushy under him real tight, he was so cute and he had pushed his blanked completely to the bottom of his bed. 

Chan went to pull the blanket up to cover the other and saw that the younger had a frown on his face and his lashes were wet with tears. Was he having a nightmare? Was he crying before he fell asleep? What was wrong?

He didn’t want to leave him anymore so he got into bed and pulled the blanket over them both steadily not to wake the other laying an arm over the others back, holding him. He waited for a moment to see if the younger would wake, when he didn’t he held tighter and buried his face in the other boys back and hoped this would make all the bad things disappear from his mind and let him rest.

‘’’


	8. Understanding was just more salt in the emotional wound

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a slow story and I'm not even sorry. I only know their pretty much a mess and that's a small joy to me because I'm a garbage human who likes my characters to be messes.  
> Hope you are well and taking good care of yourself. All the love!

‘’’

When Felix woke he was feeling warm all over which was rare and as he turned he looked at the face of the reason he was warm. Chan was lying on his side an arm over Felix, clued to him like he fall if he let go. 

He had a peaceful expression on his face and seem to be in a deep sleep, going by his deep steady breathing. Felix felt his inside clench with the feeling of dread. The cause of all his joy and worries was right here holding him. 

He didn’t want to cause him any unhappiness but if he say anything now it will cause so much hurt. But the longer he lets this continue the worse it be in the end. He is stuck between a rock and a hard place and he doesn’t have clue how to get out of this with his and their leaders sanity and love for each other intact. 

Maybe he should just disappear run the fuck away from it all, vanish never to be seen again. He sighs a deep sigh trying to clear his head and stop the dumb thoughts from smothering him. He puts his hand on the arm that’s holding him because the older still gives him comfort. Even tho he is the problem he has to deal with or rather the lack of feeling for him.

He thinks its the lack of the right type of feelings. He just never looked at the other in that light. He remembers when he was a trainee he did have crush on someone but that someone was Changbin and the other had made it pretty clear from the start that that was not going to happen. He saw right through the puppy eyes and sweet stares that Felix was giving him, the excessive cuddling and said clearly, lets be friends. Just good friends. 

And while it hurt a little and he did cry into his pillow for some nights Changbin still cared for him and took care of him and he didn’t feel like he lost anything at the end of the day. 

But now it would be different, their leader clearly thought they already were something, this wasn’t just a crush that you can clear up by a clear statement and a few nights crying. This was an entire mess. How the fuck did they end up here, cuddling and being so far from each other when it comes to feelings.

Shit! Why? Why did he end up in this kind of situations…sometimes he feels like he creates them messes and that he makes his own life harder by being so stupid and so ignorant and not paying better attention.

That voice in his head was so mean sometimes that he just wanted to cry but he knew that wasn’t him. It was just his anxiety trying to destroy him from the inside out. 

He won’t let it. 

Ok, he can do this. He can just try his best to actually commit to a relationship with the older. If he thought about it he had all the qualities he admired and loved and he is really handsome and he does take super good care of him and holding him is just perfect. He can just think of it like an arranged marriage he has to slowly and steadily get to know that side of the other and then he will fall for him naturally - surely. That could work. 

And knowing the other, asking to go slow won’t be a problem. He doesn’t have to touch his dick right this minute or anything. He shudders, there be more then kissing eventually. He can’t see himself doing that….It be so embarrassing to…he can’t even think it….Arghhh.

Isn’t all of this just lying then? Does that mean he will just lie to their leader? Oh fuck it is isn’t it!? 

Just as the panic of that realization started to set in Chan stirred and held him tighter. 

‘’’

Chan felt movement and sighing, the others breathing made the hair on his forehead tickle him. He became more aware of holding Lix in his arms. Of having a dreamless sleep and waking up in the perfect place.

Then he smiled to himself and held the other tighter. As he did so he felt the other stiffen. He looked up at the younger’s face and saw his expression was kinda panicked. So he pulled away and leaned his head on his elbow looking down at Lix and said: “Good morning. How do you feel?” he try to approach the subject of the other crying himself to sleep cautiously. Maybe if he just gives him a opportunity to speak he will tell him why he was upset or just talk about his feelings. 

The other seemed to be schooling his expression which Chan didn’t like, it felt like he was trying to pretend again, make him believe all was fine. The older reached out and gently stroked the hair out of the younger’s eyes and brushed his cheekbone. Felix widened his eyes looking like a cute deer caught in the headlights. 

He mumbled out: “Morning..I…I’m fine. How did you end up here?” He gestured to the bed and them lying there vaguely. It looked kinda funny Chan thought: “I just came to check on you when I was going to bed but then I kinda ended up staying, hope that’s ok? You seemed a bit upset even while sleeping. Are you sure you ok, did something happen before you went to bed?”

Felix’s turned a little and shifted slightly away from the other as much as was possible in the one person bed of his. Chan frowned, so there was something up and the other didn’t seem to want to share it. He sighed and took the younger’s hand. 

Felix looked at him again and suddenly moved to bury his head in the leaders chest and maybe it was for comfort or maybe he was just hiding away. Chan really couldn’t tell but he held him and didn’t push. He would let him know eventually. 

Instead of letting it get to him he nuzzled Lix’s head and held the other giving him a kiss to the top of his head. He was so cute and all his. He wanted to pepper kisses on every part of the other boy. He smiled because he could now, couldn’t he?!

He pulled away a little to see the others face and put a little kiss on his nose. Felix closed his eyes tight and was squinting his nose. Which made him look as cute as a bunny. Chan proceeded by kissing the others forehead and cheeks and very gently his closed eyelids. And then he was looking at the younger with real adoration, staring at his lips and moving closer. 

‘’’

Felix had grabbed hold of their leader to just buy himself some time to think. What was he going to do…or say. He didn’t have a clue and he kinda didn’t want to let go of the hug because then he would have to face the music and maybe lose this comfort in the process. 

When the older held him he felt like it be ok somehow and it was an addictive calm that he wanted too much it seemed. Enough to lie to someone he cared for?! He felt like scum again. And then the other kissed the top of his head and made his heart soft. 

When their leader pulled away a little and leaned in he felt a bit startled but then he kissed his nose and that was just too cute and it made him feel cherished. Then soft kisses landed all over his face and he felt babied. Made him want to giggle and he did feel himself blushing a little. 

But then he felt the other stop and his warm breath was on his lips and Felix opened his eyes just as the other kissed his lips. Fuck. He should have know it would lead to this…he…felt the gentle movement and stayed frozen…He needed to decide…or this was going to escalate too quickly. 

Out of some odd impulse Felix moves his lips and start to kiss back and for a moment he forgot. Then the other flicks his tongue over his lips and tried to deepen the kiss pulling Felix closer. With that the younger was suddenly way too aware of the proximity of something pocking his hip and he pulled his hands that were just trapped, lying motionless, out from between them two and pushes the other away with both hands, firmly. 

The older’s face looks kinda stunned and he froze. Felix just started to scramble out of bed over the others body mumbling something: “I have to….I got to go…I need to….leave.” 

And he hurried out of his own room so quickly like his being chased and bangs the door in the process, waking his poor roommate who had slept through everything else like a corpse. 

He knew this was not going to work. He just knew he fuck it up worse somehow….And he sure did…how was he going to talk to the older now…how will he explain his strange ass behavior to him. 

He needed to get out of the dorm and get his head on straight. Not to mention he needed some help. He really needed some advice. Super desperately and he didn’t know how to even approach any of his members and talk about something like that. 

As he was grabbing his keys and phone that he was glad he left randomly on the kitchen counter because last night he was too busy having a panic attack and crying to even worry about his phone, he saw Jisung standing in the kitchen looking disheveled in a hoodie and shorts and drinking some milk. 

He looked at the other and blurted out: “Get some pants and please come out with me right now! I need to talk to you….Please hurry. I’ll go wait by the elevator.” he waited only long enough to see the other nod looking confused and then ran out the dorm. 

‘’’

Jisung was having a bad morning and he didn’t sleep well waking up before he actually had to was not something he did. But he threw his discarded clothes from yesterday on so he wouldn’t freeze and paddled to the kitchen to get something to drink. 

As he opened the fridge he was disappointed to find that they were out of soda and ice tea. He sighed and took out the milk. May as well with the morning he was having. Then as he was drinking he heard the banging of a door which wouldn’t be unusual if it weren’t for the hour. So he turned his head and saw Yongbok running into the kitchen keys in hand grabbing his phone looking like a mess that crawled out of somewhere probably from under a bed. 

And as they stared at each other he started to worry for his friend again because last night had scared him something big. And then Yongbokie told him to come with him with so much panic and urgency in his voice that he just nodded and run to put pants on like there was a fire or something. 

He manage to grab his phone and wallet and close the door quietly and as he was running out he saw Chan step into the corridor asking: “Did you see Felix? Were are you going so early?” And Jisung just said: “Have to run out. Felix is waiting. See you at the company.” 

And he was out the door. When he stepped into the waiting elevator he wondered why Chan was coming out of Yongbokie’s room. 

‘’’


	9. I understand now, every world spins in pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being slow. Life happened and so much stuff needs doing and want to update every week but it may be more like twice a month. 
> 
> Hope you all are well and lots of love your way!

‘’’  
Jisung was fidgeting with his phone in his hand. Stealing glances at his friend who was walking too fast and looking entirely not ok. Conflicted is the word he would use to describe him. 

The usually happy and sunshiny boy looking so bleak made something in his heart break, this is not how it should be. He seems to want to talk tho, so he should be patient and let the other start when he is able to. But at the same time he can’t wait. He feels the tension and its killing him. 

“Yongbok-ah, can we get some coffee from the convenient store?” he pointed across the street and the other looked confused like Jisung interrupted him or he had forgot that the other was even there. But he nodded and Jisung linked their arms and started leading him across the street. 

Jisung got them both a warm drink and then lead them to the park to sit on a bench. He looked at his phone when he was sitting down and saw it was just past seven and Chan had texted him. He didn’t read it tho. 

They opened their drinks and sipped at them in silence. And Yongbok kept fidgeting and looking forlorn. Then he cleared his throat, making Jisung turn slightly toward him and focus. 

“I messed up, Han-ah. I feel like such a fool. I don’t know how to solve any of this.” he said with a quiet and frustrated tone. 

“Can you tell me what you think you messed up?” Jisung got a little closer to the other to be able to comfort him better. And waited for the response.

“I think…I know that Chan-hyung has feelings for me. And I think…well I know that he seems to think I have the same feelings too. ” Jisung's eyes widened and he blinked raptly. 

“What do you mean Yongbok-ah? Like we all know he loves you very much.” watching the other boy sigh deeply and running his hand through his hair felt like a familiar gesture by now. 

“I mean the romantic kind, Han-ah. The kind that makes him want to kiss me. Which he already has done twice.” it was said in a oddly flat tone in his naturally deep voice. And Jisung just stared at him not getting it and also just trying to wrap his head around it.

Their leader was kissing Yongbokie….And it wasn’t in any way a friendly kind of kissing. Well he understand that Yongbok was always pretty open with his sexuality but he never got that from Bang Chan. He was very supportive and all but not really giving off the ‘I like dudes’ vibes. Maybe his gaydar was just off and he couldn't tell you who is what even when his life depended on it, which true enough. 

“Ok, that’s ok then. Do you have the same kind of feelings?” he thought the sentence at the start sounded odd now, so he rather make sure the other boy was on the same page with what he thinks the issue is.

Yongbok leans down and puts his head in his hands and groans. His hair is a mess sticking out in all directions and he looks up with his puppy dog eyes at Jisung: “That’s the problem. I don’t feel….I can’t even imagine us being like…We are brothers you know. I love him like I would love my brother. And he acted so sweet and affectionate and I thought, hey his giving me more love, more cuddles when I’m upset….but…” He groans again louder and leans his head all the way back so its hanging off the back of the bench. 

Jisung pats the others thighs absentmindedly not knowing at all how the hell they ended up in that kind off a mess. He just wanted to comfort the other and tell him all will be well but will it….

“I don’t know how it got like this, I just know that trying to pretend would be horrible and a lie and I can’t do it. I tried for just a moment to forget and go with it and I felt like I was underwater.” Jisung looks at the others face all pale and sad and he can’t help but to pull the boy in for a hug.

“Of course you shouldn’t have to pretend Yongbokie-ah!” he whispered into the others shoulder holding him. “This isn’t the end of all. You can still talk to each other. It can be ok.”

He pulled away to look Yongbok in the face and see the other was silently crying. “How tho? How can I just tell Chan that I don’t love him and can we just go back to the way we were? That’s never gonna happen. He will….He will hate me…for being so horrible to him…I can’t…what if he hates me?!”

This felt too heart breaking to Jisung: “He would never hate you and if you really think about it you already know that. Trust me, if you don’t believe anything else you can believe in Chan-hyung never giving up on you and he certainly will never stop loving you.”

He stroked the others hair while Yongbok-ah tried to compose himself into some resemblance of normality. As long as he can calm the boy down, Jisung thinks they can solve this. This isn’t impossible. 

“So you just got to talk to him. I know that seems super hard now but its Chan, he is still him. You can just tell him the truth and he will understand and he will support you anyway. It may be a little awkward for a bit but I can help you and we can manage ne?” Jisung smiled a small smile at the other and stroked his hand down his face to rest on his neck.

‘’’

Felix nodded along because it seemed really simple when Han-ah just said all of that out loud. He has to explain and just talk about it. It doesn’t mean everything will end because he messed up, they can deal with it and handle this like they somehow always manage to do, as a team. 

He can still be there for Chan and hopefully Chan will still want to be there for him too. How can he do this while he still has the courage? Should his just run to Chan now and tell him?

“How am I gonna do this? I have to go for practice like in a few hours and by the time I get out Chan be working and I really don’t want to do this in the dorm…” Felix muttered the end and looked at Han like he could give him some schedule and maybe write a script.

The other boy patted is leg again saying: “You can go to Chan-hyung after your practice he be in his studio and he won’t mind you coming to see him also then you both have little time to process before you got to see each other at the dorm and so it won’t be so awkward hopefully.” Felix looked at Han all worried.

“So you think it will be awkward? Do you think he will avoid me? Or it will hinder our work somehow?” his anxiety was clearly spiking again and it was pretty obvious. 

“It may be awkward but I don’t think he will really avoid you and I know it won’t affect our work. He is really professional and so are you. Right?” Han raised an eyebrow at the other boy and Felix smiled a small smile to that. 

“Should we walk to the company since we so early?” Han asked and Felix just nodded and got up, throwing their trash away and starting to walk. Han linked their arms again and started chatting about something he watched on YouTube about the cold death of the universe. 

If it would have been any other day Felix would have listened with fascination but he was still anxious and distracted. He appreciated Han trying to distract him from his troubles tho. He was always so sweet to him. 

‘’’

After Felix got out of vocal training and was told he was getting the hang of the new technique they been working on for a few weeks, he was feeling pretty good.

As he walked to Chan’s studio he looked at his phone for the first time since morning and saw like 10 messages and two calls from Chan and that had him worried again. He did suddenly run out and the other was probably worried as to what he did wrong…. Which was nothing..Felix sighed.

He can do this, he tried to remind himself how simple Han-ah made it seem when they talked. It all was just a matter of clearing things up and going on with their lives. It would be fine!

As he reached the door his heart was already starting to beat too fast. He needed to take a breath and just find his calm. It was just a conversation, he doesn’t need to go into mortal kombat…that would probably be easier he mused to himself. 

He huffed a breath and knocked. No answer. He guessed Chan was wearing headphones. He knocked harder and then he heard the muffled ‘come in’.

He braced himself and walked in seeing Chan sitting in his chair turning to look at him, black hoodie on and a surprised expression. And Felix forgot entirely how he was gonna start the conversation. He just stared at the other and Chan got up and walked toward him taking his arm and leading him to the couch.

“I was worried this morning. Haven’t been able to concentrate at all today. Did I do something wrong? Are you upset with me?” the leader asked with a concerned tone. Looking Lix in the eyes and trying to see what he was feeling just through that it seemed.

Felix closed his eyes said to himself in his head, calm and started talking: “You know that I have always admired you and over time that administration turned into a stronger feeling like brotherhood and family. I really do like you Chan. Like a lot and I would never want to lose you….” he looked at his hands while saying that not really daring to look up yet. He felt the older put a hand on his shoulder and he looked up and saw their leader smiling at him softly.

“Lix I like you too and I know its a bit weird that that like has changed in such a big way. I use to like you as just a brother too and it took me a while to get the different of my feelings across but now that I have, it feels so much better. Like a burden has been lifted. I think if we both honest with each other we could make this work. And you not gonna lose me unless you want me gone.” the other laughed at that part and leaned into Felix, going in for a hug. 

Felix was flabbergasted by the fact that the other just said he liked liked him, this made it somehow worse and harder. What the hell….How to make it clear. He needs to make it clear. He pulls away from the older to take a breath to start talking but as soon as he had moved Chan leaned in for a kiss and the younger flinched away. 

Chan stopped and looked at him properly frowning: “Is something wrong? Am I going to fast?” he shifted away a little to give the younger space and looked at him intensely.

“You can tell me you know. We don’t have to like do anything til your comfortable with it. I mean I’m not in a hurry or anything. Just tell me what you ok with and we can stick to that for now.” he took Lix’s hand in his and held it gently and stocked his thumb over it in a comforting way. 

Felix looked around at anything but Chan and wanted to just yell sorry I can’t or something. This was so ridiculous why could’t he just get the words out. He tried so hard to make them just come out of his mouth but he physically did nothing…every time. 

The voice in his head kept saying ‘you lose him, he will never talk to you again. He will hate you for being a horrible tease. You did this to yourself you absolute coward’.

And he just started nodding agreeing with the horrible voice. He did do this to himself. He is a fool. He needed to leave now. So what did come out of his mouth was:

“I have schedule soon. I need to run. But I wanted to tell you that non of my weird stuff is you fault and it be fine. Let’s talk more later.” he was starting to get up already. 

Their leader stood with him and asked still concerned: “Are you sure you are ok? You seem a bit off. Can I do something?” he still was holding on to Felix’s hand and the younger forced the best smile he could fake: “I’m good. No worries.” and squeezed the others hand before turning and walking out fast. 

‘’’

Felix needed a minute, he looked just for any empty room to hide in and just clear his head. He looked around and ran to a room he sometimes used, just to have the door open in his face only barely missing him. 

Changbin walked out and looked at Felix who he almost hit with a door and asked reaching out to touch his arm: “Did you get hit? You ok?” and Felix just look him in the eye and knew Binnie would see how much of a mess he is.

“Come in here for a moment.” Binnie lead him to the room and closed the door behind them. He looked the younger over like he was looking for something wrong. But after that he settled to look Lix in the eyes and laid a hand on his shoulder.

“You been so weird lately. You go from panicked to happy and to totally miserable it seems. Please don’t try to lie to me, I know how bad of a liar you are.” he smiled at Felix and moved to catch his eyes so the younger would look at him. 

As Felix looked at Binnie’s face he felt all of the emotions he wanted to feel but has not been able to. His eyes fell on the other boys lips and he moved on autopilot kissing Changbin. And it felt just as soft and good as he always had dreamed. He sucked on his lower lip and just wanted to dive in deeper and suddenly the older bit his lip lightly and moved closer. Kissing Lix like his life depended on it. 

Tasting his mouth and feeling him so close Felix shuddered and didn’t want to stop. Licking the others lips felt like he was allowed into heaven and he slipped his tongue into the others mouth meeting Changbin’s enthusiastic response. 

‘’’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not even sorry, this story every character is just a mess and this ship I wanted to sail so bad just doesn't wanna XD *hides behind something* don't be mad.


	10. Just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it isn't so

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you are doing well and things aren't too terrible. I been distracted by this horrid thing called real life...yuck.  
> Here's a chapter and lots of love your way!

‘’’

Felix felt shocked at how easy it was to kiss Changbin and not feel anything but right and happy. As he slowed the kiss and pulled slightly away he doubted his actions. What if he just threw this on the other and the older didn’t want this at all…he should apologies…

As he looked at Binnie who’s eyes were closed and he was holding Felix’s waist with a strong grip he stuttered out: “I didn’t mean to…I…I’m sorry. I know you don’t want this…” as the words left his lips Changbin leaned in and kissed his lips softly, just a peck.

“Who said I don’t want this? I like to have a talk with them. Don’t just assume. Didn’t I just kiss you back? Or did you think I do that just to anyone who lays one on me…well my reaction if anyone else would do that would certainly be different.”

Felix was relieved and terribly confused: “But back when we were trainees you told me that we are friends…just friends. And you want to be just my friend.” Binnie smiled at him and said:

“You really didn’t understand Korean that well back then. Also yea I didn’t want to take advantage of the kid who barely understood anything and looked up to me. I wanted you to be sure what you want. Back then I told you we should be friends for now…not just friends…but friends for now.” Felix looked at the other boy dumbfound.

Did he really just not get it and had his heart broken over it….Changbin kissed his nose while he was spacing out and that reminded him horribly of this morning and what Chan had done just before they kissed.

Well fuck his fucking life.

Felix let out a big sigh and said: “I wish i hadn’t been so dumb then I could have avoided ever getting into this mess to begin with. I wish I would have kissed you weeks ago or months…and saved myself from having to kiss anyone else…” he trailed off kinda sad and Binnie touched his cheek lifting his chin.

“What do you mean ‘had to’? Did something happen? Did someone kiss you without you wanting them to?!” the older sounded concerned and even angry. 

“No no…I mean yea but like not like that. It was my own fault for misunderstanding. I didn’t get it and now everything is a mess and I don’t know what to do.” 

“Firstly not your fault. Secondly even if you misunderstand a situation or they expect or assume anything, the other person doesn’t just magically have a right to you. No one does.”

That made Felix feel weird and he didn’t like dwelling on that so he said: “But i can see now looking back that words like ‘date’ and ‘like’ were involved and I did gladly have all the cuddles and hugs and hand holding and little touches. So I just lead the other person on without meaning to, sure, but still I did…” Changbin took his hands shaking his head a little while holding them.

“Just expressed interest with a nod or smile is not an automatic yes to ‘going all the way.’ You have the right to change your mind. Just because you said yes at the beginning of whatever you were doing, that doesn’t count as an ongoing, automatic yes to any other actions or behaviors that may follow. That includes kissing. Even if you like to cuddle doesn’t mean you agreed to anything else.“

“But its not that…the other person thought we were dating and already went on dates and stuff….So for them it was just natural to move it along and they told me we can take it slow, I just couldn’t say that I don’t really want any of that…..I just…my mouth wouldn’t work…and….” Felix’s breathing was getting uneven and he didn’t want this to get out of hand so he just sat on the first chair and took a deep breath in and let it slowly out.

Changbin knelt in front of him asking: “Are you doing ok? Can you breathe? Do you need me to get you something?” he didn’t touch him or get any closer. He just waited for Felix to give a response.

“I just…need a moment to…just breathe. And i be fine.”

Felix calmed with slow breaths and just sat with his hands on his knees for awhile before Changbin who just sat in front of him the entire time said:

“Yongbokie, tell me who is the person you had this misunderstanding with? Why couldn’t you tell them you didn’t like them back or wanted to date? Are you still dating them?” Changbin raised an eyebrow at Felix and looked really worried. 

“I mean…I was gonna tell them just now. Before I came into this room. I told Han-ah about it and he gave me really simple advice to just talk it out and stuff.” Felix fidgeted and Changbin looked at his eyes looking for something and then took his hand, holding it gently. 

“I was going to…and then they told me they like me and….They seemed to be worried that they did something wrong and …I didn’t….I couldn’t say anything because….I lose them….They will hate me….I know they won’t look me in the eyes again and that….It terrifies me…I wish I could just go back in time….Or something.” they looked at each other for a bit and Felix felt liked he talked to much and said too little.

“So its one of the members then. You wouldn’t be that scared if it wasn’t. It isn’t Han clearly and you wouldn’t react like this if it was Hyunjin or Innie because you just say it straight out that you don’t wanna and it be totally fine.”

Felix pulled away and straightened his back he didn’t like how easy it was to see through him but also he hated how much he loved that Changbin knows him that well. If he just turned to him instead of pulling away from all of them when feeling so anxious…maybe things would be different now. 

“I should have been clearer from the start. I know that know. I don’t want the other person to feel like I cheated on them or rejected them but isn't that just what I’m doing right now….Cheating and then dumping them because I didn’t feel like that to begin with…How cruel is that? Like what kind of person does that.”

Changbin checked again looking at Lix intensely and then saying: “How can you cheat on someone your’re not dating? Yongbokie your in your head…don’t you see that this is fucked up? Like the other person just assumed you are dating without waiting for you to say anything about it clearly…You have not talked or defined your relationship so you own that person nothing. Or did you say anything to them that confirmed any commitment?” 

Felix shook his head looking down. He felt like a child for not handling any of this well. It seemed all so dumb somehow.

“Fuck! It’s Chan isn’t it?! That asshole always calls you his little bro and no-homos everyone all the time and now he pulls this!” Changbin stands up and walks back and forth in the small room full of frustration and anger: “He know’s how much you look up to him and care about his opinion and how ready you are to please him….And he just didn’t think that you wouldn't really be able to say no….What did he think at all?? Fuck…I’m gonna punch him right now for being so stupid.” 

Felix goes to Binnie and holds his arms looking him in the eye really worried and says: “Please calm down. Its not like that. It’s not Chan’s fault. Its just a misunderstanding. It’s just that I couldn’t clear it up as soon as I knew, because every time I try its like the words get stuck in my throat and speaking is impossible. Please don’t be mad at him.” he insists with all his sincerity and Changbin sighs a big sigh and sits down, pulling Lix with him to sit right next to him. Stroking his arm over the others lower back in a comforting manner. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scary you. I’m just frustrated.” Changbin says while looking at Felix’s hands that are intertwined and fiddling in a nervous habit. 

The younger looks at him with a small smile that doesn’t reach his eyes and tries to reassure the other like he always does: “It’s fine, I’m ok. Just don’t blame Chan. It’s my mess.” 

Changbin shakes his head and reaches out for Lix’s hand: “I promise I stay calm just please tell me all that’s happened between you two. From the moment you feel things changed. Can you please do that?”

Felix just nods and tries to make his thoughts and memories coherent enough to be understood. He is surprised to find that as he talks he remembers things that may have been odd but he didn’t put together and also things that he said and done that could have been taken out of context, perceived differently. 

When he gets to when he ran away from Chan just half an hour ago panicking and totally not able to confront the situation he finds that he shed a tear. He doesn’t really know why. It’s just been stressful on him, this entire ordeal. 

Changbin has been quietly listening and not interrupting this entire time when he was telling his story. Just holding on to Felix’s hand and stoking it gently. It felt soothing and safe to Lix.

After them sitting in silence for a while the older straightens his back and takes a deep breath. 

“Did you think you may hinder the group or maybe even lose your position in it when you tell Chan that you don’t really feel the same?” he asked the other without looking at him and Lix’s thinks that that was exactly what he feared the most. Binnie knows him too well. 

The younger nods while saying: “Well yea I didn’t want out group to suffer and maybe it be so bad that we couldn’t work properly together and what then…then I may have to leave….And…I…” he wondered off once more. Seeming unsure of what he really wanted to say. 

“So when you kissed him back, as you said, did you think that would fix it? Save the situation as long as you go along with it?” he was stating it plainly like he always does things and it seemed easier to respond because of that, it seemed easier to be truthful to the older then anyone else.

“Well yes, I was just thinking that if I could…You know do it with guys why couldn’t I do this too and I do adore and love Chan so it should have been easy. I just don’t know…when I tried it didn’t feel like that. It felt not right. Like i was doing something wrong and I couldn’t make it feel right no matter how much I wanted to.” He explained it with a feeling of relief to be able to say it without feeling the unbearable guilt he did before. 

Binnie intertwined their fingers and looked at Felix, his expression serious: “You shouldn’t have to feel like that ever. Like you don’t have a real choice, like something bad would happen if you don’t do what the other person wants or expects of you.”

That sounded wrong to Felix but the words were all true. And he knew that it didn’t feel right but those thoughts and Chan just didn’t want to fit into the same place.

He shook his head again like wanting to clear it and try to find some clarity. 

“But he didn’t know and so it’s not really the same. I made myself feel like that.” he tries to explain so Changbin would understand that he made the mess, finally.

“Were there two people in the room? Was it you two that were doing anything together…or did I not hear you right and you alone did all of that?” Felix scoffed and rolled his eyes petulantly. 

“Of course there were two people involved.” he said a little exasperated. 

“Then why is this your mess or your fault? Why does all of this magically lay on you? When Chan assumed you were dating, without him asking or you confirming. When Chan made the move on you and you clearly didn’t respond very enthusiastically? When Chan started to ”date“ you when you were emotionally in a very unstable position and needed help and guidance to begin with….When…..” he wondered off sounding more frustrated then the younger has heard him sound in a while. 

When he said all of those words they sounded reasonable and even right but they didn’t fit Felix’s picture of everything. It seemed absurd even tho he knew deep down that Binnie was right and all of what he said was true. 

“Ok. So how about we go and talk to Chan together? Would you like to do that?” the older looked at him intensely and Lix really needed the help so he looked at his hands and said quietly: 

“Yes, that would help.” and Changbin stood up lifting the younger hand with him and looking at him.

“What? Do you mean know? Like right away?” Felix looked up at the other with big surprised eyes, kinda scared. 

“I can hold you hand while you talk. I can not talk if you want me not to. Or I can say what you like me to? Do you want me to explain for you? Because we can’t let this continue for anyone’s sanity sake.”

Felix knew that he had to just face this however hard it was and Binnie was entirely right. He wished he could just hide behind him and let him fight his battles for him. But that was just wrong on so many levels. 

So he stood up and gripped the others hand firmly. Saying:

“Just hold on to me and when I can’t get the words out…when I try to run or hide again just remind me of what you just said. That would really help.”

Changbin nodded and started walking to the door not letting go of Lix’s hand. 

‘’’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you don't hate me. This story is a bit twisty and it has some weird moral quandaries that come along with misunderstandings in relationships. Please don't think of anyone as the bad guy because we really haven't heard the thoughts of the other side for a bit and that just is there to make the misunderstanding feel more real i guess.


	11. Do not seek the because - in love there is no because, no reason, no explanation, no solutions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story just keeps writing itself and I don't really know why it wants to go the way it does but hey here is a chapter and I really hope your doing well and I'm sending love your way!

‘’’

Chan was getting way too worried. At the start of his day he had felt so happy, now he thought it may have been a dream. It seemed so far away now. He had been fretting and trying to reach Felix all day. He really didn’t know what happened. He just knew the other was not in a good place and he seemed to want to hide that from him.

Did he think that Chan wouldn’t understand his worries or his anxiety? Or did he just not trust him enough to open up about everything going on in his head? Maybe he was going to fast and expecting their relationship to change too quickly…Or was it to do with how their relationship has changed? 

Felix did say something about admiration turning into family and truly liking him but also being afraid to lose him. Relationships can bring that risk with them. If they break up it could affect their job and life to a bigger extent while if they stay family its easy to make up somehow…at least that what he felt with his family.

He has done no work of any value all day and his just sitting here thinking over everything Felix has said and done and everything he could have done wrong to make the other react with distrust or hiding himself away.

He did deepen the kiss in the morning when the other was being so cute and he did start kinda grinding on him a bit. He rubs his face in slight dismay. That could have scared the younger off. He didn’t mean to do too much, he just went with what felt right and he did tell the other to let him know if he was uncomfortable….And getting pushed away mid-grind is a pretty clear, letting you know, message. 

So he fucked up. When Felix was in the studio to talk, he seemed pale and nervous and he did flinch and pull away when Chan tried to just go in for a quick peck. The two reactions were clearly connected. But considering how affectionate the younger always was he didn’t really understand where this was coming from.

Chan thought in a relationship the younger be even more touchy and would have no problem with casual gestures of affection like kissing. Maybe the others worries were the thing stopping him from going all in. From going further in the relationship, not that they had to or anything just that….It may matter.

He made a frustrated noise in the relatively quiet space. Only a track playing in the background getting no attention from him what so ever. He was stuck in his head and needed to just ask Felix what he was thinking and feeling because he would not know otherwise.

Simple. He had to just go and find Lix and talk things out and find a solution and just see the younger. He be able to solve this if he sees him. 

Just then a clear knock sounded at his studio door and he was a bit startled but called out to come in. 

And the door opened to Changbin looking grimly at him and behind him was standing Felix with his head lowered looking at the floor and holding Changbin’s hand. Chan got up out of his seat fearing that Changbin found Lix having a panic attack or crying somewhere. As he approached to reach out for the younger Changbin grabbed his hand and looked at him in a weird way. He hadn’t see him looking like that off stage in a while. 

Changbin said: “Could you sit down. Felix wanted to say something and he thought it may help if I am here. That good with you?” Chan just took a step back and looked confused at how Changbin was acting and how little Felix was saying. Lix has not even looked up yet. 

Chan nodded to them and sat into his chair letting them sit on the sofa. Which they do together still holding hands. Chan frowns, he doesn’t like that feeling that is bubbling in his chest. 

Felix seems as pale and as nervous as before but as he lifts his head Chan can see the determination in his eyes. Which reassures and scares him all at once. 

Chan clears his throat and asks: “So what is this about? The group or personal?” he tried to be neutral and keep this atmosphere that was way too smothering from being overwhelming.

There was a bit of a pause before Felix said in a tiny voice: “Personal.” and then there was just silence. Changbin was still firmly holding Lix’s hand, fingers intertwined. Not that it never has happened before but it sure didn’t go on for so long in front of him and it made Chan feel frustrated and maybe a little angry.

So he said pointedly: “About you two?” Felix looked at him with wide eyes almost like he slapped him or something. Was he right then? Was this some sort of confession time. 

Changbin chimes in: “No. Its about you and Felix actually.” Chan blinks at him and then asks:

“I don’t really understand why you are here then?” he genuinely confused why Changbin was here for a relationship talk between him and Felix, it made no sense unless there was something between those two. 

“I’m here for moral support and as a anchor so he won’t run. Also to calm stuff down if needed.” that wasn’t at all helpful in explaining what this was about because this seemed big. Big enough for Felix to panic hard enough to talk to someone else and ask for their help.

Chan ran a hand over his face and sighed in frustration. He told himself to be patient. He should listen to himself more. 

“Ok, well I’m all ears.” that didn’t sound as friendly as he wanted it to. It just sounded sarcastic. This all made him more nervous then his been in a long while. 

Changbin turned to Felix catching his eyes and waiting, like they were having a conversation just like that. And after a while Lix nodded and Changbin squeezed the younger’s hand.

"There has been a misunderstanding. I... Well I couldn't clear it up before.... I tried to but.... I really didn't know how.... And also I was scared." Felix said it all in a stuttering hurry like he wanted to get something out but didn't know all the words. 

Chan just stared at him more confused because what was the younger scared off? He was about to interrupt to ask but Changbin said:

"Let him explain. He just needs a moment." then he turned to Lix and look utterly soft while saying: "Your doing great just take as much time as you need. You can do it!" and Lix smiled a small smile at him. It made Chan feel distinctly jealous. Why were they acting like that... Like he was a outsider. He shut his face down to not let anything show and grinded his teeth together. 

Felix turned back to him and said more steadily: "I didn't realize that you meant go out romantically... I mean I thought you were trying to help me with the anxiety and we spend more time together. That you showed me more affection because you were worried about me...." he swallowed and looked at his feet but then continued like on a row. 

"I didn't understand how it was intended. I only realized when you kissed me... And... Well I panicked. I wanted to be clear but i was afraid to hurt your feelings. I don't ever want to hurt you... You know.."

Chan felt like he been hit with a truck. He didn't see this coming, not even a little bit. He tried to process that the other didn't have any of those feeling for him and he just what... Went along with it because he was scared to hurt him...... How could he just.. 

He himself had assumed. He didn't read him right. He didn't worry enough for the imbalance in their position it seems. 

It was deathly silence in the room and Chan kinda felt like throwing up. He didn't want to look at Felix who seemed to have gathered all his courage to tell him that the older had pretty much just forced him into a relationship the younger never even wanted and his been too afraid of his reaction to tell him. 

He put his head in his hands and wanted to run the fuck away from this because the whole thing made him feel so sick with himself and he started to go over everything they said and done together seeing it in a different light. 

Changbin cleared his throat and said calmly:

"Maybe we should give everyone a minute to gather themselves and then you two can maybe talk some more so this won't affect your friendship." he was being his best advocate personality and Chan felt dumb of being so jealous of him before. 

He knew he needed to get out and maybe go punch something so he nodded along stone faced saying something for the first time after Felix's confession:

"That seems a good idea. How about in a few hours back here?" he try to be as neutral as possible but he felt the cracks showing. 

Felix said in a small voice: "Are you ok?" and it almost made him burst into tears, so he held onto his anger instead to keep him from doing so. 

"I’m fucking peachy. Let's talk more later." he stood up and walked out of the room leaving his laptop and all his stuff there and hurrying out the building. 

He felt like shit for lashing out, it wasn't Lix's fault. 

'''

Felix was staring at the door Chan had just walked out of. He was gnawing on his lip and he couldn’t get the way Chan just glanced at him with a look he never seen directed at him before. Like disdain. He seemed so angry and rightfully so, Felix thought. 

Maybe he should have begged for forgiveness or told him he do anything to save their friendship…or even told him he can try to date him if that is what the other really wants, maybe…possibly. He just couldn’t keep lying to Chan, nor himself. He felt like he may explode with all this unresolved emotions inside himself. 

He was so deep in his head he didn’t realize Binnie was talking to him. He had been holding his hand and keeping him steady this entire time and Felix felt so grateful and just a little too much warmth in his heart for the older.

“Hey, Yongbokie you hear me?!” Felix blinked a few times and nodded.

“Good. You did well! Really. You said all that you needed in that moment and its ok that Chan reacts how ever he does. He needs to deal with his own emotions and that isn’t a bad thing. So don’t go getting lost and fixating. You hear me?” he said it with a small smile and Lix sighed at how sweet the older was and how easy it was for him to just see right through his patterns and dumb habits. 

Felix lifted his hand to the others face and gently stroked it leaning in and kissing Changbin’s cheek, saying: “Thank you for being here! For helping me - always. And for having my back ever when I got myself into a mess. You are the kind of friend I want to keep forever. And the kind of boyfriend I could only dream of having..” he muttered the last sentence turning away a little and blushing pretty hard. 

Changbin kept staring at him tho and took both his hands, holding them: “I know this is absolutely the worst timing with everything going on with Chan and you having a hard time in general but I want you to know…I want that. I want you. With me. In a relationship. And after all of this has calmed down. After some time for us all to think and talk and be truthful with each other we could be just that…boyfriends.” he started out in a bold tone but ended up kind of shy there at the end of the sentence. 

And he looked at Felix with this sincere expectation and Felix looked way too surprised like they hadn’t just made out today and held hands and told each other so many things. Like he couldn’t believe it could be for real and something they could have. 

And then he smiled his sunshine smile like he couldn’t keep it possibly in and made a shrieking noise yelling:

“Binnie did you just asked if we can be boyfriends?! Oh my sweet god, I can’t believe it. Yes Yes yes…..Like a million times. I want to be your boyfriend like so bad you don’t even know…” he half yelled half giggled the entire time and Changbin grinned at him in a stupidity happy way. 

‘’’

Chan had ran out in a hurry and gotten down two flights of stairs before he realized he needed his phone and he had to go back and get it off his desk. He sighed the deepest of sighs and turned back to go and get it. Walking slower because he dreaded facing the others just yet. 

He needed to get his emotions under control and clear his head so bad. He felt way too much like a open wound just bleeding over everything around him. Making it filthy and staining everything in his wake. 

As he saw the door he swallowed his pride and walked right up to it just to realize he hadn’t closed it completely and he could hear the two inside talking to each other. 

Felix was thanking Changbin and it seemed really sweet that he could at least rely on one of his hyung’s to be a good one it seems, thought Chan bitterly til he heard the last part and felt himself go cold. 

So his little black jealous heart was right to whisper to him that there was something. Lix liked Binnie, liked him more then him. Wanted him…

And then Changbin just told him clear as day how much he wanted Lix too. Chan felt drops falling on his outreached hand and realized he was crying. Just tears falling onto the floor like it started raining out of nowhere. 

He turned to just leave not even remembering why he was there when he hears Felix’s loud exclamation of how very much he wanted to be Changbin’s boyfriend. He sounded so happy and laughing like the sunshine boy that stole his heart always use to sound. Before…before he tried to help him…tried to date him…tried to keep him. 

He walked slowly this time. Out of the building and into the streets. Not seeing where he was going and not much caring either.

‘’’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't really want to hurt my faves but I just keep hurting them one after the other. Sorry ಥ_ಥ


	12. There are many people who know us, but very few who understand us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life slowed me down, you know how it goes sometimes.  
> This chapter has a little blood and self injury in it so be warned if that upsets you. 
> 
> Also I really hope you have a peaceful holiday season and that the coming year will treat us all kinder. Sending my love your way!

‘’’

Chan didn’t know how long his been walking, he didn’t have his phone with him and couldn’t really tell the time. It felt like moments and also forever somehow. His tears had dried sometime between running and slowing down to sob in a park for a bit just to walk away fast so no one would actually see him. 

His emotions were all over the places. He felt so dumb for not seeing anything clearly when it came to Felix and so angry at himself for doing what he wanted, not what was actually right for the other. He felt he had been blinded by his own realization of feelings and ignored that the younger needed a helping hand not someone to try and date him out of his problems. 

He laughed at himself for always ending up being a mess when it came to relationships, how ever good his intentions were he ended up hurting someone it seemed. 

Maybe he shouldn’t even try anymore, maybe he needed to be a better person before he could even consider sharing something like a relationship with someone. Maybe he was too selfish to ever succeed in that. He thought all of those things in rapid succession. 

What came back into the forefront of his mind again and again was Felix’s face when he said he was scared to tell him, bound together with the moment he pushed him away while they were kissing. He felt like scum for making the younger feel like he couldn’t get out of a situation he didn’t want to be in because of Chan. 

He never wanted the sweet sunshine boy to suffer and somehow ended up making him feel worse. He really laughed out loud at that. Having the effect of passerby's staring at him strangely. 

He should go and apologies, try to make some sort of amends. He needed to maybe run the fuck away and leave the other be, so he wouldn’t have to look at him ever again… His mind was going between rational and furious in very rapid succession and it wasn’t calming down. 

He was just slowly walking to a relatively quiet small park and heard a couple laughing and joking around while passing by looking all happy and content. And all he could see is Felix with Changbin, all happy and content. 

He walked straight up to a tree and punched it, then he punched it again and again and let out a muffled groan. He sat down on a park bench closest to him and held his head in his hands, starting to feel the pain from the cracks in the skin of his hand. 

He was an idiot. He felt like an idiot. He needed to stop. He needed to get his shit together. He needed to get back because time didn’t have meaning and he needed to face the two lovebirds, he thought bitterly and groaned and chided himself for being so petty. 

He loved his friends and he was not going to be the asshole who ruins everything even more for them. He was going to be a vaguely decent human being even if it kills him. 

He took some slow breaths and looked at his right hand that had blood on it, dripping slowly this and that way. He sighed. What a mess he was. 

He got up like he had aged decades in just the span of hours and started to make his way back to the company. Trying to compose himself into the shape of a human. 

‘’’

When he reached the lobby he saw a clock and realized that only and hour and a half had passed and time really was weird. He had pulled the sleeve of his hoodie down enough to hide his hand covered in dried blood. He was going to go to the bathroom and clean it before facing the music. 

As he was pulling his hand out and letting the water run over it tinting everything pink, he still didn’t know what he was going to say. 

The door to the bathroom opened all of a sudden and Chan turned with a surprised look on his face only to realize Minho was standing there staring at him. Chan’s hand was right there dripping watery blood onto the side of the sink. 

Minho frowned and came closer taking Chan’s hand gently in his, looking at it. Chan didn’t really know how to explain this so he just stood there waiting. 

Mihno tch-ed and told the other: “Next time you wanna went your frustrations come to me and I take you to the gym so you can punch a punching bag… not a wall? What did the poor inanimate object ever do to you.” he said it all in a light and joking way and the mood wasn’t as suffocating as Chan thought it would be. 

“Come to the dance studio with me, I have some band-aids and antiseptic spray in my bag.” as Minho turned Chan didn’t move, so the younger turned back at him and said: “There’s no one there but me if that’s what your worried about.” 

And yea that was what Chan feared. The other members seeing him being a mess and thinking he is unreliable and worse yet worrying about him. But he could let Minho see a little bit of his mess because Minho never seem to judge him or make him feel like a burden, he just rolled with it, like this is life so we deal with it. 

So they went to the empty dancing studio and Minho sat him down on the floor while he rumbled around in his bag to retrieve the items he was looking for. Then he settled in front of Chan and started to clean and bandaging his knuckles. He did it very efficiently like he had lots of practice. That made Chan wonder. 

“Do you do this often? Bandaging your knuckles? I seen you have scrapes on them all the time. Why is that?” Chan asked with a concerned frown on his face. 

Minho didn’t look up from his administration and said in a bored tone: “I box, you know that.” like that would explain everything, maybe it did but it still seemed odd. 

“So why was your first thought seeing this that I punched a wall?” Chan felt odd never having addressed the little things he did notice over time while looking at the other. He just presumed that it wasn’t anything bad and Minho didn’t really liked to talk about that stuff anyway, maybe he had failed him too?

“Oh I have punched plenty of walls in my day to recognize the dumb outcome. Boxing is definitely a better solution in the long run.” he smiled at Chan while saying that. And let go of his hand all ready and bandaged up. 

“Thank you.” Chan almost whispered in the quiet studio. And Minho asked out of the blue: “Has this to do with Felix and what ever has been going on with you two?”

Chan looked up sharply and looked kinda panicked and worried so Minho said: “Not that its any of my business but seems like you should maybe stop, what ever it is that you two are doing, because you both seem to be much more miserable then before.” 

Chan swallowed hard and felt guilty again, so even Minho could tell that Felix was miserable because of him, but he himself didn’t know shit. 

“I mean Felix is a sensitive one and he sure needs a lot of support and help with out really knowing how to ask for it and you just seem to be deteriorating from worry or something…And you been like this the more I seen you being close with each other. So maybe you should reconsider what ever it is you two think your doing.” 

It was all very insightful indeed thought Chan but what he said was: “Its all my fault, I just made a mess out of my relationship with Lix and now I have to somehow make it better. So he would trust me again and be my friend, even tho I probably don’t deserve his friendship.” 

“It’s kinda weird that Hannie told me Yongbokie had said almost the exact same thing to him about you. You two really are a pair.” Minho snorted like this was a bad joke and then got up off the floor and pulled Chan along by his uninjured hand. 

“Well go and fix it then. Why waste time punching walls when you can actually face your problems maybe…?” he made it sound like Chan was just being silly or something and right about now his reactions seemed a bit dramatic indeed. Maybe he was too in his head to see clearly. 

Either way Minho was right and he was going to go and face the music now. He had no idea what he was going to say but he knew he wanted to clear the air and make things better somehow. 

“Hey, thanks for this,” Chan lifted his hand and also kinda made a all around gesture: “For telling me to get my head out of my ass. You really are a good friend.” Chan kinda muttered the last part and shifted from one leg to the other and Minho turned and went to get his water bottle saying dismissively: “Would you get lost now, I have training to do.” 

Chan smiled and said sure, moving to the door and closing it quietly and being grateful to have members who all cared in their own way. 

He needed to face Felix now. It was high time they just talked with everything out in the open, now they could just tell each other the things that truly mattered and find a way to be something to each other, still. 

He got closer to his own studios door, it was closed and nothing could be heard from it, as it should be. He didn’t really remember being this flustered around any of his members ever, this was feeling so foreign to him. He really didn’t want this to continue so he just opened the door. It was his studio so he wasn’t gonna knock, seemed too weird. 

And as he stepped in Felix and Changbin turned to look at him at the same time, they were both sitting on the couch holding coffee cups and looking all relaxed. So Chan said the first thing that came to his mind:

“Hope you didn’t give him coffee or we all will suffer.” it was light and normal and Changbin smiled a little and answered: “I’m not that much of a masochist, its just hot chocolate.” Chan sat in his chair and took his water bottle and drank from it because he was feeling really thirsty all of a sudden. 

Out of nowhere Felix made a gasping noise and was right in front of Chan reaching out his hands to grab Chan’s. Chan kinda pulled away moving away with the chair, leaving Lix to crouch on the floor looking up at him all shocked. 

“What happened to you hand? Its all bandaged up. It wasn’t like that before you left.” Felix said all concerned and Chan was cursing himself for not hiding it better. Changbin got up too and walked over to him lifting the hand in question looking at it. And then putting it down gently only to flick Chan’s forehead.

“Ow, what the fuck. Why did you do that?” Chan asked the other while holding his uninjured hand to his forehead. Changbin went to Lix and pulled him up leading him back to the sofa to sit. Then looked at Chan all disappointed.

“I thought you could deal with your emotions better then this, my friend.” Chan felt like he should be yea, Binnie had a point, he was being dramatic and unhealthy and Felix would surely be blaming himself for it. He do be fucking up a lot recently. 

So he needed to reassure the other and make it clear that none of this was his fault or he had anything he should be feeling bad about. 

“Yea sorry about that. I got a little carried away for a minute there. I’m good tho, really. I just realized how blinded or in my head I was to not notice a lot of obvious things and I really wanted to say…”Chan turned and looked at Felix properly who was still looking worried and kinda scared:

“I’m sorry for being selfish and not hearing and seeing that all you really needed was me to be your friend. I really always will love you as my friend more then I probably ever could as anything else so please forgive my lapse in judgment and try to give me another shot at proving to you that I can be there for you and stay with you, for as long as you want me around.” he felt slightly proud for being able to look at the younger while saying all of that and Felix seem to suddenly be teary eyed looking at him like a kicked puppy and that wasn’t really the response he wanted.

“I am the one who’s sorry for making you feel bad and dragging this on and making you sad and….I never wanted you to feel this way. I always, always want you around, there will never ever be a time that I won’t want you to be my friend, you like my family.” Felix said it all at once and a few tears slipped and he was really looking like he was trying to hold himself in place, looking small and conflicted, so Chan opened his arms and said:

“You have nothing to be sorry for so come and let me hug my little brother please.” he said it like he had so many times before but now it felt a little weird like he had to get use to it again, like he had to work for it to be true again. 

Felix got up and folded himself into Chan’s arms and held on like his life depended on it and that gave Chan the strength to try his very best to make those words be true again and mean them again with all his heart. He can cry about his heart break later… alone and far away from any prying eyes. As long as he can keep Felix, he didn’t mind the heart break. 

‘’’


	13. I don't want to understand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for being slow, I kinda procrastinated on this one. But two chapters now and then the last one hopefully very soon.   
> There is some bad thoughts and self hatred in there so be warned.
> 
> Sending love and hope your way!

‘’’

Chan the fucker….Sad and alone….Like the loser he is…makes people who are not in love with him and do not want to be in a relationship with him worry about him….And well if their worried isn’t that the same thing as being in some sort of relationship maybe he should make them more worried…be more pathetic…be more of a mess. 

Make them love you out of necessity if they can’t love you out of love it self……..Hah.

He hung his head low so the younger wouldn’t see his face, he felt like shit and he knew it showed. Felix kept looking at him while gnawing on his lip and looking worried. He kept stopping to check in with him since they had their talk a few days ago. He kept trying to be casual about just like spending time with Chan but it keeps being awkward and just horrible and It makes him feel so guilty for making the boy feel like he is responsible for this situation and has to fix it somehow or fix Chan and his inability to act well enough to convince them all that everything is back to normal.

This feels like something is permanently heavy in his stomach and he can quite get a full breath into his lungs since days. He feels permanently on this sad edge where he doesn’t fall over into a crying fit but he is never really close to any peace of mind either.

This feels disgusting, like a bigger version of all the heartbreaks and sad moments he has had. Just this doesn’t seem to ebb it seems to be stuck on the same level of awful.

Felix touches his arm and he flinches away from the other feeling like a idiot for doing so. Chan looks at the younger and Lix is sitting next to him having changed seats with Seungmin. They just finished a vlive together and they still talking loudly among each-other while Chan mostly fake smiled and nodded along when needed. 

And now here was the younger trying again. He didn’t know if he wanted the other to pay this much attention or just stop and go be with his new boyfriend. Laughably jealous of him considering the two been nothing but discreet and no one even seems to noticed that their relationship has changed not like when Chan made Lix so miserable that it was obvious to all, he thought bitterly.

He tried to smile at the younger and said quietly: “What’s up?” and Lix looked at him with wide eyes and sadness radiating off him, was that what he wanted? He wondered. 

“I just wanted to know if you want to watch a movie with me tonight? We could just hang out and chill?” he was trying so hard why couldn’t Chan make a more sincere effort at his half ass promises that he had told himself when they had cleared the air. 

“Maybe. I have to see when I get home.” that meant a clear no as he was showing up very late if at all the past nights. And Felix knew that and probably was trying to get him to come home with them. 

Of course he was thinking about him and his unhealthy habits and trying to make things better for him…Chan snorted a laugh that came out of nowhere and startled the younger for it sounded so bitter.

“You seem much more capable of taking care of others then I ever been. Maybe they made a horrible choice of leader. And you made a horrible choice in friends.” he regretted saying it as soon as he finished the sentence. He knew he was being not himself. He didn’t mean it. But he was not holding himself together well and any interaction with the younger somehow made some weird response rise in him that wanted to hold on or destroy everything they had left.

Irrational mind. He sighed while the other boy just looked down and seemed to think hard. Is this the relationship he wanted for them?

He grabs Lix’s hand and holds it tight saying: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. Lets go to the dorm together and watch something fun and I’ll make popcorn.” he tried his best to sound like his usual self, he faked it to the best of his abilities and he got a small sad smile from the younger:

“Ok hyung, let’s do that.” 

‘’’

He kept his promise and showed up at the dorm. The others all gave him weird glances like they were surprised to see him there and tried hard to no show it. 

Minho patted him on the back and smiled a small smile and he felt like some sad cautionary tale and then he saw Felix sitting on the couch Changbin holding him in a back-hug and whispering something in his ear that made him smile. 

Chan braced himself and it still felt like a punch, other people made the boy he was in love with happy when he never could and seeing that made him want to turn around and leave. He took a breath and tried to make himself pretend. Be normal, be happy - be happy that Lix can be happy, that he is feeling less horrible. That’s a blessing. He should thank Changbin for making him better. 

Felix spotted him and Changbin got up and Felix looked worried again, funny how as soon as he laid his eyes on Chan that’s all he looked like - worried. 

Chan tried. He summoned a smile and walked to the couch and gave the younger a plastic bag he was holding. Changbin just looked at him and said: “I got to work a little, I be back later. Have fun.” he was being awkward and it was weird that they all talked to each other in this careful way they never had before. 

Lix just looked up and said: “Ok, don’t stay too late and drink some water.” he was cute and caring and Changbin ruffled his hair as he walked away. 

Chan looked down swallowed what ever he was feeling and sat down leaving a fair distance from the younger.

Felix rifled through the bag and exclaimed: “You did bring popcorn and my favorite chips. Your the best.” He smiled a genuine smile at the older and Chan had the urge to reach out and touch him, maybe just to lay a hand around his shoulder or hold his hand. He shouldn’t do those things anymore, they were clearly unwanted. And the younger is trying so hard to rebuild a connection between them, he really can’t go and ruin it by being creepy and making the other uncomfortable. 

What the hell must the younger have thought while Chan was in his own little romantic world, happy as can be. He try to imagine being in that position with one of his hyung when he was in a bad place. He shudders just thinking about it, how horrible he would have felt when someone he trusted and looked up to just wanted to fuck him.

He try to get himself out of that thought process and into the present. He didn’t just want that after all, he cared and tried his best to take care of the other, he was just blinded by his own emotions, too blinded to see that he was doing something that was clearly not what the other wanted or needed. 

As he was in his head he didn’t notice Felix trying to get his attention leaning into his space and waving a hand in front of his face. He flinched slightly which not the best response and cleared his throat: “Sorry I spaced out, what were you saying?”

Felix looked concerned again but continued still very close: “Is it fine if we watch the weird new Zealand movie? I wanted to see it for a while. And I bet you like it, its supposed to be funny.” Chan just nodded along and agreed to anything. While Lix put the movie on and opened one of the popcorn's and leaned on Chan while offering him some. 

It felt like Chan was holding his breath the entire time Lix was just leaning on him slightly and watching the movie laughing at some parts and looking up at the older pointing something out. It felt entirely off and Chan felt like he couldn’t really move and or say anything from fear of doing or saying the wrong thing. 

He try to watch the movie instead and relaxed a little while doing so. It was a pretty good one, well thought out pick on Lix’s part. He did indeed like it. And all he wanted was to enjoy something just normal with the other. 

Then Lix yawned and leaned his head on Chan’s shoulder which made him freeze. He was too hyper aware of ever touch their shared now just so he could make sure that non of them were misconstrued. 

So he tried to shift away a little, to allow some distance between them but Lix pulled his arm close and held on to it. He promised the younger he be normal, that they could go back to normal. But here he was acting all weird and making everything harder for the other. 

This was normal, this was nothing out of the ordinary. Yet he felt on edge like he may fall one way or the other at any moment. Either read everything wrong and want more of the other boy or hurt his feelings by distancing himself completely from the other. 

Lix just cuddled closer and he needed to make a choice one way or the other so he just cave in, it was always in his nature to give the boy everything he possibly could so that’s what he was going to do even if it meant that his heart will most definitely ache in the process. 

He put his arm around the younger’s shoulder and pulled him in and Lix cuddled close and lay his arm over Chan eagerly. The younger’s fluffy hair was tickling his jaw and he smelled his shampoo. He breathed him in for a moment and just enjoyed having the other in his arms again. It was kinda ridiculous how fast he gotten use to and graved this closeness with the younger.

And soon enough the movie credits rolled and Felix lifted his head with a sleepy expression from Chan’s chest and Chan smiled the first genuine smile in a while and ran his hand through the others hair, smoothing it and then just holding his face. 

Felix became more aware and looked at Chan with wide eyes, wondering expression. “What is it?” the younger asked quietly and Chan looked at his lips and said something he really didn’t want to: “Can I kiss you goodbye?” the sentence hung heavy in the silence of the room. Felix swallowed hard: “Will it mean that you will leave me? That you won’t hold me or be close to me again?” he said it with all the sadness in his eyes. And Chan’s heart hurt because he caused it again. 

“No, I just want to say goodbye to something I never had and now never will. I don’t want to let go of your friendship Felix, just… just of this part.” he kept stroking the others cheek gently and Lix gnawed on his lip thinking hard it seems.

“You can just say no, you don’t have to do this if it makes you uncomfortable.” Chan just realized how out of his mind this request was and how conflicted the younger must be. He felt like what ever he does he somehow still manages to make things worse somehow. He was about to pull away and apologies when the younger took a hold of his neck and pulled him in. 

When they lips met it was just as soft and much sweeter then before for it felt like it be the only time the other ever would kiss him back. So he fell into the moment head first and devoured the mouth ready willing and able. He pulled the younger in and deepened their kiss making whimper escape the others mouth and using the opportunity to slip his tongue into Lix’s mouth. Feeling him being more hesitant, stilling in his movements. 

Chan didn’t care, just for a moment he thought, let me have this and continued to try to reach the other boys tonsils it seemed until he heard a loud noise of something falling and pulled himself away from the warmth of the boy he was in love with only to see said boys boyfriend standing in the middle of the living-room looking shocked and angrily at them - more accurately it felt more like at him. 

Well fuck.

‘’’


	14. Any fool can know, the point is to understand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here is a chapter that has a little mild violence in it and swearing and well a panic attack so fun times, be warned.
> 
> Sending all the love your way!

‘’’

Felix had tried at ever turn to make Chan feel better and more comfortable around him again. But their leader just kept avoiding him, really he avoided all of them it seemed how ever much it was possible he made himself scarce. 

And every time they had something together Felix was trying to find ways to draw the other in without making it too obvious which really wasn’t going super great. 

So he talked to Changbin about it when their where out for a coffee date and the other seemed concerned too as it was clear too all that Chan was acting off. 

It was Binnie who recommended for Lix to ask their leader to do something just the two of them. Maybe he just needed to figure out how to be around each other again without anyone watching them doing so. 

“You should make your cute puppy dog face at him and put on the worry thick. Not that you need to act much to do so, you been doing nothing but worrying lately.”

Felix frowned how see-through he seem to be, he didn’t want the other to worry about this too. 

“I just want him to be ok and everything go back to some form of normalcy. He just keeps running every time I try. And I feel so guilty already…” Binnie stopped him in his tracks and took his hand.

“I told you many times, non of this is your fault. You can’t control other peoples emotions or reactions. You already doing more then I ever would if I were in your shoes, probably because your a better person.” he laughed a little while Lix started to protest. 

“But you should use a little of that worry and Chan’s own guilt that’s pretty obvious to anyone with eyes against him and ask him directly to spend time with you preferably in front of us so he can’t lie as easily.”

“You mean like after the vlive today or something like that? Also seems kind weird to do that. I just don’t know how to get him to talk to me or even spend any time in a room alone with me. So I guess your method it is.” he sighed and sipped his drink, worry intensifying. 

‘’’

Changbin found something to do while the two had their reconciliation time and had pretty much told the others to give them some space too so everyone could get out of this purgatory of walking on eggshells around their leader. 

He really believed that once Chan realized that Felix is still the same Lix he adores he couldn’t just keep doing what ever this was and actually would give this being normal with each other a real try and if anyone can convince him it be Felix, because how could he possibly deny him. Changbin laughed to himself because he himself surely couldn’t. 

He thought of getting late night food for them all so when he gets home they could all sit together and let this little bit of normal sink in. He got to the dorm and everything was really quiet so he guessed the others were either sleeping or holed up in their rooms or something went terribly wrong and Felix was crying somewhere.

He hoped that was not the case as he made his way into the living-room stopping dead in his tracks at the sight of Felix leaning onto the couch while Chan was almost on top of him holding him in place and devouring his mouth, there really was no other word for it but devour, it was filthy. 

He dropped the takeaway he was holding and suddenly the pair of them looked up Felix really confused and shocked looking and Chan looked guilty but also determent like he didn’t really regret it, he just regretted getting caught. 

Fuck was Chan doing was all he thought before he was grabbing the older by the collar of his hoodie and pulling him up. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you have brain damage and forgot that he doesn’t want you and is in a relationship with someone else?!” Changbin pushed him hard so he fell to the floor crashing into a chair. 

Felix was up and trying to pull Changbin away looking scared. He didn’t like Lix looking scared so he took a calming breath and turned to the younger holding his face between his hands saying: “Are you ok? Did he do that against your will?” he just wanted to know how much of a beating to give their leader. 

“No I mean, I’m sorry…. I’m so so sorry…I thought I could fix it…I thought he was so sad and he just asked for one kiss goodbye and I did kiss him. I’m a really horrible person, Please Binnie don’t leave me!” the younger was starting to hyperventilate and this would not do. 

So he lead Lix to the couch and sat him down trying to help him breath the loud noises had summoned Minho and Han to show up in the living room looking at the scene unfolding in front of them. 

Minho came to look at Felix and saw that Changbin was doing a good job of trying to breath with him and then he went to try and help Chan off the floor but their leader slapped his hand away and got up to run out the room but before he could Changbin was up and grabbed him and pushed him hard again he didn’t fall this time.

Han crouched by Lix’s side trying to hold him so he wouldn’t run into the middle of what ever that was, which he clearly seemed to want to do.

Minho grabbed Changbin’s hand that was clearly getting ready to punch and pulled him a few steps away asking: “What the fuck is going on? Calm down!” 

Chan just stood there not looking at any of them not fighting not doing anything, just breathing a little too hard. All fell quiet. 

“Felix just wanted to be your friend, your his hyung, his leader and you know we are together and you pull this shit!!? Is that really the person you are? The fuck is wrong with you? Do you want us to break over you not being able to keep it in your pants?”

Changbin yelled all of that in the quiet space were no one moved or said a thing and Minho stared at him wide eyed not believing what was going on here.

Felix’s voice all shaking and still out of breath chimed in: “Please stop, its my fault too. I’m so sorry, I really thought this could fix something…I felt like things were going better. I didn’t mean to make things worse.” 

Changbin clearly got angrier at that and pushed Minho off him, too easily for Minho’s liking. 

“See what your doing to him? Your fucking with his head, making him believe that this is somehow his fault when you so messed up to ask for what a goodbye kiss….From what? You never even dated, you just dragged that boy along without ever truly having a conversation with him…this is the definition of manipulation and you stand there….Nothing to say for yourself…really?!”

He yelled the last part clearly fucking pissed. And Minho looked at Chan beginning to feel angry himself. Because seeing how hard Felix’s panic attack was and how much he was suffering and now hearing why that was seemed to suddenly make a lot of sense. 

Felix started to cry and Han was trying his best to sooth him. But it didn’t seem to work. So Changbin turned changing his entire demeanor and pulled Lix into his arms holding him and running his hand along the younger’s back whispering in his ear. 

Chan just silently fell to his knees and looked up for the first time that the others gotten into the room. 

“Yes, I am fucked up. And yes that was manipulative. I know I shouldn’t have done that. Especially after realizing how wrong I been reading our whole relationship.….I should probably go jump off a bridge somewhere.” he muttered the last part but in the quiet of the room everyone heard him clearly. 

Felix whimpered a no and it sounded devastating to anyone in the room, it felt so heart broken. 

“I’m sorry. This will never happen again. I… I have no excuse so I won’t try to make one up. I want to be better but I guess I need some time. I just go to the company building for now. Don’t worry I just want to get my head on straight and we all need some distance I think.” 

Felix was trying to say something but it was too muffled to be heard and Changbin wiped his faced and told him calmly to try again. While Minho spoke up: “Your not going alone, I’ll come with you. You can be away in the same room as me. And no you don’t get a choice about that.” he said that and turned to go to his room to get something it seemed. 

Felix had gotten enough air to finally form words and he looked directly at Chan while saying: “Please don’t say or do anything like that. Please don’t leave forever. Just come back to us….please.” 

The words were interrupted by hiccups and Lix’s voice cracking and it sounded like the saddest thing any of them had heard. 

Minho was back and pulled Chan by the arm to lead him out the door. Not waiting for anyone to say anything, just getting out as quickly as possible. 

‘’’

That left Changbin holding a crying mess of a Yongbok and Jisung staring at both of them with his hand on Yongbokie’s back. He was shocked to see all of this. Their leader he known forever it seems acting so out of character for himself and Changbin got angry sure but he never seen him really ready to fight someone like that. 

And here was their sunshine sitting on a couch all devastated and unable to stop crying. How did a little communication error lead to this he wondered as he got up and hurried to the kitchen to get the other boy a glass of water. 

He wondered if Minho would be ok with their clearly upset leader. But then again he didn’t think anyone was better suited to handle this then him. He was always very calm when other people were not. He had a good sense when it came to crises. 

Jisung handed the glass to Yongbok’s slightly shaking hands and Binnie helped him drink it. They really did look like a couple. A really cute one. Jisung kinda understood were Changbin was coming from, trying to protect his boyfriend. He would do the same thing only probably not look as scary doing so.

‘’’

Changbin was holding on to some part of Felix the entire time and he felt when he was slowly calming down even tho he was clearly upset when his eyes focused more and he became more alert. 

“We should go after them. What if something bad happens? We can’t just let them go like that.” he was still worried about everyone but himself. Which he really needed to be right about now, not to mention a small part in Changbin’s subconsciously hated how much Lix forgave Chan, what ever the older did it just fell off Felix and was forgotten right away, like he couldn’t really do anything that Felix would ever consider wrong to begin with. If something was wrong it was sure Lix’s fault it always seemed. 

When he thought calmly about it tho he realized that that was just a fawn response. At some point in his life this kid as needed that response to survive, in hard times or in any conflicts that pop up it seems. They should definitely talk about where this is coming from otherwise he would just imagine the worst and worry for his boyfriend to no end. 

Right now he just needed to reassure him and focus on him feeling calm and safe. 

“Minho is with him and you know Minho, he can handle what ever comes. Lets get up and get you some clothes and then how about you take a shower if you like? Or we could crawl up in your bed and put some soft asrm on, to fall asleep to?” he was leaving it open enough for the other to make a choice of what he wanted to do next.

“I don’t know. Let’s just go to bed, can you hold me please?” is all he said and he looked into Changbin’s eyes like he was sure the other would say no and curse him out or something. It was kinda horrible that he thought that way and there was nothing else but reassuring him over and over again, that was all Changbin could do to make him believe that. 

Jisung kindly offered to clean up the mess in the living room and keep them up to date when he hears anything from Minho so they went to bed and Felix snuggled as close as he possibly could and relaxed his very tense muscles. 

Changbin sighed. 

‘’’


	15. Beautiful people do not just happen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here we are at the last chapter. Hope you enjoyed the story and I loved the struggle of them characters and this was my first published fic so its special to me.
> 
> I wanted to thank my best friend who has been cheering me on without knowing anything about my fandom and always being super supportive without her I would not have published anything so a big thanks to @It_is_all_just_Degrees_of_Disadvantage!
> 
> Also I want to thank a person I don't know but commented on basically every chapter of this fic and pretty much sometimes made me feel like I'm writing it for them so thanks @ivymisa!

Minho was pretty much jogging to keep up with their leader who was running away, that’s the best way he could put it. He just didn’t want him to run into anything or have an accident because he was upset. So Minho went faster caught up and pulled the other to a standstill. 

Chan looked more devastated then angry and Minho softened his hold on the others arm: “Please be more careful. We can just walk ok? How about I hold your arm while we do?” he offered it as a way to steady the other and also maybe as some sort of small comfort. 

Chan didn’t speak just nodded which seemed so unlike him once more that Minho really wondered what was going on in their leaders head, where was all of this turmoil coming from. 

They walked more calmly Chan keeping his promise and held on. Minho kept sneaking glances at the older’s face to speculate anything about what was going on in his head. Mostly his expression varied from a deep frown to a sad forlorn look. 

They walked in relative silence for quite a long time before Chan spoke, it was mumbled at first so Minho strained to hear but he waited patiently and Chan repeated himself: “I’m..I’m in love with him. And I really didn’t think it ran that deep, I thought it is simple. That all of this was simple. But I feel crazy now for thinking it. For falling so hard…for ignoring so much or willfully not seeing things. Do you know what I mean? When your in love with someone you find yourself doing things you never thought you do….Be someone you never thought you be. Like going against your own nature or something.” 

Minho looked at the other with sad eyes, being in love sucked.

“Yea I know what you mean. I never cared much or was jealous over people before I truly was in love and then I found myself to be so possessive and needy. And I really didn’t like that part of me.” He shook his head over his own struggles with love and concentrated on the others problems.

“It sucks and I understand that you feel lost and really alone right now but please don’t shut all of us out because of that. Even if its the small things like letting me come with you or accepting a little help when its offered, please try to accept them. I don’t want you to fall deeper into a hole because your being too stubborn or guilt ridden to accept our support.” Chan hung his head and hide his face more. He was acting like he usually did when he was trying to hide his tears.

So Minho reached out and pulled the other into an hug and at first Chan was kinda stiff and didn’t move but Minho didn’t let go and he felt the older melt into him and grab on tight. And then heard him break into sobs. Hard suffocating desperate cry's. 

Minho hadn’t seen the other this upset in a long while and he felt the hurt coming off the older. So he held on for as long as it lasted. They stood in the middle of a little empty road at night while holding each other til the were just both lulled into a quiet stage. 

Chan looked up and into Minho’s eyes and said: “Thank you for reminding me of a lot of things. I will rely on you more in the future. I promise.” 

Minho smiled and he felt the sincerity of the others words which made him feel much better about this horrible night.

‘’’

Chan talked to their manager about Felix getting a therapist and after a lot of meetings it was cleared and time was found in the schedule for him to have the appointments. It was a hard sell at first, it wasn’t really up to their manager and they worried about privacy and PR and how and if they needed to put out a statement. 

But it got done and he was proud of himself for taking a stance on that. It’s been almost a month since they almost come to blows with Changbin and to say their relationship has been chilly ever since is an understatement. They both have been professional and civil but its not close to how they friendship use to be. 

Chan really didn’t know how to approach that as he had tried on a few occasions and only gotten a “not ready yet, don’t want to discuss it with you” as a response. 

He stayed away from Felix for a while which clearly made the younger sad but when the younger heard about the therapy thing going through and how much Chan fought for it he approached Chan for the first time after the incident. 

Lix was clearly nervous to talk to the older it seems and that felt like a shot to the heart for him, that they come to this, with this distance between them so its even hard to talk just one on one. 

“I heard what you did and I just wanted to thank you for that. I’m really grateful for the effort.” he said it like he prepared it in front of a mirror and kept repeating it over in his head. 

Chan felt so sad all of a sudden, he really wanted to make them better. The way they talked and interacted now felt like they barely knew each other and he had needed time and distance but he felt more and more like he will just lose the other forever. And this stunted conversation was just proof of that. 

“You don’t have to thank me, I should have done that from the start when you clearly needed help and we could not really help with that. Hey, I wanted to talk to you but I thought it be better to give us all some time to think and deal. I want to say I’m sorry I acted so irrational and made things more complicated for all of us but especially for you.” Felix started to protest and Chan cut him off: 

“Let me say it, I know you think it was all just a misunderstanding but at the point where you tried to reach out there was no misunderstanding anymore and I still did what I did knowing full well you go with what ever to just make things better. So that was my fault and I did wrong because I wanted you so bad that I didn’t really care if you felt the same when I knew you would agree. Which made me realize some not so nice things about myself and I need to really work on them.” he took a deep breath and looked at the younger who was seemingly uncomfortable but listening patiently and with his full attention to Chan. It made him feel worse somehow.

He laughed awkwardly and flattened down his hair: “I am not nearly as perfect as you always believed me to be and as perfect as I wanted to act for you. But I am your friend and I want to be a better one. I really don’t want to give up on our friendship despite all of this. Would it be possible to try and find our way to a new and more honest friendship between us, what do you think?” 

Felix seem to light up at the words and his eyes widened in a hopeful way and he smiled. He hadn’t smiled at Chan for a while and it was just as warm and endearing as he remembered. It would be worth a broken heart to see that smile directed at him every once in a while. He felt that ache and gave into it. 

“You don’t even know how happy that makes me. I really thought a lot about how or when to try to talk to you but it seemed to be too soon to ask for anything of you. But I really wanted to find a way for us to be something other then the odd empty coworkers relationship we been having now.”

Chan nodded along because he had felt that too, the emptiness that came with not being anything to each other but coworkers. 

“Maybe we can have a longer talk about it when you have a few hours, just let me know and we could maybe go home together or stop for coffee or something and talk about stuff honestly. I really miss talking to you.” He smiled a slightly sad smile and Chan smiled too because he really felt all of the same things just with a undertone of bitterness and hurt, that he needed to deal with and that was gonna be hard. But he didn’t want to leave the other waiting and hurting too just because he hurt. He just couldn’t imagine doing that to someone he loved so much. So he rather just deal quietly on his own and smile through the pain, hoping that with every little happy moment with Felix it would lessen.

“We can do that tonight if you like. I hope Changbin doesn’t have anything against that, maybe you should let him know.” he thought about this being upsetting to the other it may making him believe that he was trying something again or acting sus. And to be fair it was a valid concern after everything. 

“I don’t need permission to have friends or anything, also I told Changbin today that I will talk to you. Its not like his possessive or anything, he has only been worried and sad that you broke his trust. But his trust is not my trust, we are separate people with our own feelings and opinions. So lets go and I hope that you two can find a way to talk to each other soon too.” 

‘’’

Changbin was lost in the moment, holding his boyfriend and kissing him silly in some storage room away from everything. They gotten off stage and he had stared at the younger in his very sexy outfit the entire time and as soon as he could he whispered to the other boy to follow him and they snuck away for a moment to steal some time. 

Yongbokie made a noise and shuddered and Changbin had to pull away, fuck. This boy was driving him insane. 

“You know if you keep doing that I may have to ruin your entire outfit and what will you possible wear when we have to go out there again…” he smirked at the other and looked at his lips just a little swollen and very tempting. 

“I don’t care, everyone's already seen my abs may as well.” he laughed and Changbin dived right back in to deepen the kiss and pushed the other against the wall firmly to rub his thigh between the others legs and get a groan as a response. 

Then the door opened and both of them flew apart onto opposite sides of the small room. 

As Changbin turned to looked at the intruder it was Chan standing there looking kinda dumbfound and baffled. Then he composed himself and coughed turning to the side saying: “It’s time to get ready, we were looking all over for you two.”

Yongbok apologized and ran out first while Changbin adjusted his clothes and followed behind Chan. 

“You should be a little more careful, you be in trouble if someone else had find you like this. You wouldn’t want for your careers to suffer just because you were too reckless.” 

Changbin scoffed and said: “That’s pretty rich coming from you.” 

Chan turned to him and asked looking kinda pissed: “I’m worried about you and Felix getting in trouble, that’s all it is. Binnie can you maybe talk to me without assuming anything? We use to be able to do that, can you remember that?”

Changbin just sighed walking faster: “Chan we don’t have time for this, as you said we have to go.” he avoided the subject because he didn’t like to ruin his mood from the high from before to the low of a confrontation. 

They would have to talk eventually, its been a month and they should find a way to be with each other in a more sustainable way because this was exhausting but Changbin felt like some of his trust in his friend was lost during this time, not for some ‘he touched my boyfriend’ reason but because he was disappointing at someone he loved and knew for ages to act in this way and not consider ever trying to talk to him or find a solution or comfort in him or anyone else for that matter. It felt kinda like an insult to their friendship.

He wasn’t usually one to hold grudges or anything but every time he thought about it he still felt he wasn’t ready to let it go yet. There was something unresolved so he couldn’t just forgive and forget. 

So this time like many others before he avoided the subject and move on with business as usual. 

‘’’

Chan was having a weird deja vu moment of Felix cuddling into his side on the couch while a movie was playing. He was careful as was the younger to keep some boundaries between them but Felix always loved to cuddle and he cuddled with everyone else in the group so it only came naturally for him to do so when relaxed. 

Wasn’t that a small blessing that the other boy could relax in his presents again. He was so eager to build their relationship up from a more open and honest point that they gone on a lot of adventures just the two of them to talk for hours on end about everything that they felt and that bothered them and their struggles that they grown a lot closer in the process and Chan even managed to tell Felix a little about how he was coping with his broken heart. He kept making music as that felt like an outlet that never failed him. 

Felix opened up more about his insecurity and anxiety talking about what was going on in his head and how therapy helped a lot to separate the anxiety from himself and who he is. 

And so here they were having a quiet evening in. They invited everyone else to join them but most had other plans and Minho and Han had scoffed at their movie choice and said they just be hanging out together instead, like they always end up doing.

So they end up here, late in the evening in the dark living room by the light of the tv, cuddling. 

Chan felt the bang in his heart for a moment when he laid his arm around the younger’s shoulders and pulled him in more firmly and the other boy let out a content sigh in his fluffy hoodie. 

This felt all sorts of good and wrong and sad all at once and he wanted to keep this boy safe and preferably in his arms forever but that was the reason he got into this mess to begin with so he took a breath and told himself to be content with the moment. All he will ever get is moments. 

He swallowed the pain down and willed himself to enjoy the peace of the moment. He heard the door open and didn’t think much of it but then he saw who came in and it was Changbin. Who froze for a moment at the entrance to the living room and looked at them and to Chan it felt like the worst kind of deja vu one he really didn’t want to repeat. 

Changbin just walked into the living room after a beat saying a quiet hey to them and putting something on the low table while sitting down next to Chan. 

“I got chicken, what we watching? Hope it isn’t a sad one, I can’t stand the drama.” he just folded his legs and leaned slightly on Chan and this entire situations seemed like something he could only have dreamed of yesterday or a few hours ago. 

Both of them were here with him and it was quiet and peaceful and they probably should try to talk but the moment was good. They were in a better place. A more honest one. And he really didn’t want to ruin that so he patted Changbin’s knee instead and the other reached out and squeezed his hand in response just for a moment. 

Felix smiled up at him and he felt all sorts of things. Mostly like he wanted to cry but the world was so good right now so he was angry at his own heart for still aching and not letting him accept this as easily as he would like to. 

Felix reached out his hand over Chan and made grabby hands at Changbin and the other shifted a little to hold Lix’s hand. 

Chan stared at it and it felt very odd to him to care about it. He remembered a time when this all seemed just normal. Now everything seemed to have so much more meaning behind it. Every touch and act and trust seemed to say so much more then before. 

He should be glad for what he has. He kept repeating it over in his head. And Changbin nudged his shoulder with his own: “You good? Do you want me to hold your hand too?” Binnie smiled and reached for Chan’s hand and that made the older laugh involuntarily because that was so dumb and just like him to do something like that. 

Felix was laugh too and then Binnie made cute faces at Chan laying his head on the others shoulder while holding both their hands crossed in Chan’s lap….It was a mess. 

It was perfect. 

‘’’


End file.
